Day 1

So far, day 1 of my 30 days of accountability challenge has been going well. I woke up, gave thanks, and said something nice about myself. Today I focused on the fact that I’m funny and have a great sense of humor. This is one of the things I like the most about myself. So far, my eating is right on track with what I meal prepped. For breakfast I had low fat vanilla yogurt with pineapples & granola. I had a snack which was a Special K Moments bar, the salted caramel one. It’s only 70 calories so it’s a tasty little treat and not too bad for you. For lunch I’m having brown rice & salsa and a chicken fajita with green, yellow, & red peppers, and a little shredded cheese, on a whole wheat tortilla. During my hour long lunch break, I plan to eat first, then spend 30 minutes walking around downtown for my exercise today. Not the most invigorating form of exercise, but the point was to get moving for at least 30 minutes a day. Now I will say this will be my one and only set back today because my alarm was set for 4:45am so that I could be at the gym at 5:30 this morning but…I just couldn’t get myself out of the bed! I bought a new foam mattress topper thing and it is EVERYTHING! Seriously, I sleep like a baby. My mattress is good and firm, but I need a little softness and support because my back was killing me and since I’ve been sleeping on it, I’ve noticed my back has been hurting a lot less the last few days. Ok, that was off topic but anyway! I also have to work at my part time job tonight so..a brisk walk downtown during my lunch break will have to be the extent of it today. Luckily at my part time, there’s lots of walking and lifting of heavy boxes so..I think that should count toward my exercise as well. I’m honestly not too disappointed because at least I’ll be moving, which is better than the alternative. I will make more of an effort to get up early in the morning to workout. 

I plan on taking my dinner with me to work tonight so I can eat it while I’m there because I won’t be getting off until 9:30pm which means I won’t get home until around 10. I’ll be having a grilled chicken salad with baby spinach and a mix of lettuces, salad toppers, peppers, feta cheese, and an avocado ranch dressing (2 tbs is 130 cals and it’s really yummy). Once I get home I plan on getting straight to bed! I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but it seems like day 1 is shaping up to be a sucess!

xoxo.

30 Days of Accountability

There are things in life that I can’t control. I can’t control whether or not a job will hire me, no matter how qualified I am or how well I perform during an interview. I can’t control the weather messing up my hair or other people’s opinions about various topics. But what I can control is my happiness. My destiny. My health. 2014 has not been going at all the way I thought it would be. I have spent so much time focusing on things that I just can’t change, and neglecting the ones that I can, such as my health and this weight loss journey. I have come up with my own challenge for the month of April. One that is just for me, not one that someone else created that is going to help them succeed. This one is for me, by me, and only I can make it happen. I’m calling it 30 Days of Accountability. 

It’s officially Spring, and I’m ready to wash away all the feelings of hurt, shame, and inadequacy that I have been experiencing the last few months and start over with a clean slate and a new perspective. I may not have the job of my dreams. I may not be making the most money. But even if I lose all of that tomorrow, one thing will remain and that’s me and my health. My life has felt so incredibly out of my control lately, so I need to focus on the things that I do have control over like what I put in my body and whether or not I’m working out. I just want to feel like I’m accomplishing something in my life, because as of late, I haven’t felt like I’ve really accomplished anything. During these 30 days I will basically be focusing on 3 basic points: food, physical activity, and mental health.

30 Days of Accountability:

• Meal Prep!
• Stick to meal prepped food/snacks ONLY. No additional snacking throughout the day, no treats at work, & no eating past 9:00pm.
• (At least) 30 Minutes of exercise 5 days a week! Whether it’s at the gym or at home..I have to get moving for 30 minutes. 
• Wake up and give thanks. Say something nice about myself (has to be a different thing each day).
• Go to bed and reflect on one positive thing from the day. Must be in bed by 10:30pm during the week.
• Write a blog post every day to track progress & measure accountability.

These may all seem like simple things to you..but for me, being accountable for my weight loss has been harder than I could have ever imagined. With so much going on in my life..I have made excuse after excuse not to take better care of me. But it’s affecting me in more ways then I know..and I have to get on track. I want this more than anything…and I literally feel I’m at a point where I’m ready to fight for my life..fight to be the happy person I used to be. Day 1 starts tomorrow.

Weight Loss Goals For 2014

• Do a juice cleanse for 5 days.
• Do a 5k (run or walk).
• Go from a size 22/XXXL to a size 14/16, XL/L
• Start jogging/running.
• Be consistent and accountable.

These 5 goals are the most important goals for me to reach in 2014. I want to take command of my health and my life and I know I can do that. All of these goals are doable and attainable if I am just willing to do the work that is required of me. ..I’m just scared.

Scared of failing.

Scared of starting and stopping like I always do.

Scared I’ll never be able to lose the weight and that I’ll always be the fat friend.

*sigh*

xoxo.

 

Back to the Basics!

This week I had somewhat of a break down/ wake up call/ come to Jesus moment, whatever you want to call it. But I realize that my weight loss journey is my own. Only I can do it, and no one can do the work for me. So I knew I needed to start fresh and have a clean break. I went grocery shopping after I got off work Monday night and I bought everything I needed to meal prep for the week.

Breakfast: Low fat vanilla yogurt, peaches or pineapples, granola.

Snack 1: Celery, hummus, and sliced pepper jack cheese.

Lunch: Chick fajitas (whole wheat tortilla, chicken breast, onions, green pepper, red pepper, jalapeno, 1tbs cheddar cheese), brown rice & salsa.

Snack 2: Granola bar or chex mix.

Dinner: Whatever I feel like making when I get home. More than likely a salad or lettuce wraps with chicken, cheese, salsa…

Optional Snack: Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich.

Meal prepping is so beneficial to me. It really takes the guess work out of what I’m going to have for lunch and it actually saves me money. I don’t even want to know how much I’ve spent on eating out the last month and a half. I really want to focus more on my eating habits. I know I have a terrible relationship with food. My main problems with food is overeating, binge eating, and emotional eating.

Even yesterday…I meal prepped..I did great all day at work eating my meals at the respective times. When I got home, I ate my dinner. Then I went back for a little more. Immediately after I ate some chex mix. A little while passed and I was having my “Optional” snack. All of this happened within a span of two hours. I don’t even know if I was hungry. Just knowing the food is there…is enough to make me go eat it. Even if it’s healthier options, I still binge. I feel like that’s even more of a reason to. I don’t feel happy afterward…I question myself on why I ate all of that food. I feel disgusted. And then I do it again the next day. It’s a battle. But I’ve got to start practicing some type of willpower or I’ll never be able to accomplish my goal of losing weight. I think eventually I want to start seeing a nutritionist and maybe even a therapist to work through my issues with food. I think once I can conquer my relationship with food, everything else will fall into place.

It has been way too long….

Since my last post. I’ve been feeling so stuck in the last month or two. I was involved in a hit and run accident on Feb. 1st that damaged my car.  It wasn’t my fault, and luckily the damage wasn’t too bad. I’m just now about to get my car fixed next week. Dealing with insurance companies and going to the hospital for my back which has been jacked up since the accident has been so annoying. I’m stuck in limbo with a job that I interviewed for earlier this month, ended up getting said job, put in my two weeks notice at my other job, just for the job I got to call a week later and tell me they have to “push my start date back.” I was supposed to be starting the job today, Feb. 24th. So far they don’t have any idea what my new start date will be. Luckily my current job is allowing me to stay until that gets straightened out..if it get straightened out.

I’m just dealing with a lot of stress and the last few weeks have been so bad. I’m putting all of that stress basically into sabotaging myself. Going out to eat with friends, not meal prepping, eating junk food and I can feel it taking it’s toll on me. I can tell I’ve gained back the weight I worked so hard to lose. Trying to lose weight is so hard. If you’ve never been fat you don’t know how hard it is. To want to be fit and active and healthy and yet constantly battling the addiction to food is so incredibly frustrating. The saddest part is that I know it’s possible. I’ve seen person after person get up and just do it! So why can’t I? Why am I so FUCKING hard headed? Why do I lack the willpower and motivation to be one of those people? I honestly don’t know what it’s going to take. But I am sick of living like this (literally sick of it as my pants dig into the fat of my stomach. UGH!).

I just feel like in my own personal life, I am alone with this battle. No one truly understands what I’m going through. My friends seem supportive, but they’re not really. I feel like I don’t have anyone around me that just gets it. Like really and truly gets it. And so doing it by myself is hard. I’m so aware of my weight and I feel like recently have become increasingly self conscious about it. I’m too self conscious to go walking around my neighborhood, wondering in the back of my mind what people think when they see me “attempting to be healthy”. I carry these same doubts with me to the gym where I’m surrounded by active fit people who I fear see me as another fat person with a new years resolution that won’t last. All of these negative thoughts that I THINK people are having about me but in all honesty probably could care less about me, are really just me holding myself back. I have said it once and I’ll say it again..this weightloss journey is literally 90% mental for me. I am my biggest critic and I’m trying so hard to be my biggest fan but it’s so hard when nothing in my life currently seems to be working out the way I envisioned…Like I said, I’m stuck.

This post is super whiny and I promise I’m not nearly as depressed as it may come across lol, but if you have any suggestions or any advice on how to get out of a rut..or if you’ve been successful in your weight loss, I would love to hear how you overcame your struggles or any suggestions on what may help me overcome mine.

xoxo.

 

“Do you want me to get you a donut?”

One of my supervior’s at work asked me today. “No, thank you. I’m fine.” I replied. “Are you sure? You don’t want one?” he asked me again. “I’m sure, thanks.” “You sure, you’re sure?” he asked AGAIN. “I’M SURE THANK YOU!” I replied loudly. “Ooook.” he said in his stupid sing song voice that annoys the shit out of me.

Like seriously. What. the. fuck.

Just because I’m a bigger woman doesn’t mean I have to gorge myself with donuts every time they’re offered to me. I already don’t care for this supervisor, but at times I feel like he’s personally taking little digs at me and I’ve about had enough of it. If you ask me if I want something and I tell you no, say ok and keep it moving. 

This journey has been difficult enough. I have stopped and started and given up and felt let down and felt defeated and felt fat and depressed and disgusting so many times throughout it. And then there are times when I’ve felt strong, and good, and capable of doing this. When a situation like this occurs, where someone makes the assumption that because I am overweight that I want something bad that they’re having it’s like a slap in the face. I would love to say that he said this and I let it roll off of me but it bothered me. It made me angry, and it hurt just a little bit.

Something has to change.

“You look like you eat healthy…”

Says the cashier at the grocery store as she rings up my groceries. I politely respond, “I try.” Because I do try. I may not go to the gym or workout nearly as much as I wish I did, but I do try my best to eat as healthy as possible. Just the other day I had a conversation with a friend telling her I for the life of me, can’t remember the last time I ate Doritos. Doritos used to be my favorite snack in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. Seriously. But I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought or ate them. And I’m ok with that. It’s funny because when I go grocery shopping, junk food like that doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. I’m much more apt to buy pita chips & hummus or low fat yogurt & granola for a snack then I am for the crap that I used to eat.

That’s why I know this journey hasn’t been all bad. I’ve succeeded in the healthy eating department and making better choices. It’s just hard to stick to it when I have thin(ner) friends who eat whatever they want and encourage me to have what they’re having. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again..they support me…but it seems as if they don’t care/don’t want me to succeed. Sad, but I’m dealing with it…and I guess the only way to truly handle it is to not give in to the temptations they bring around me.

But I’m excited for the new year. I was approached to be apart of a really cool project that I’m super excited about that’s taking place in January. I’ll share more as the date approaches, but just know it’s super cool and I’m really excited to be apart of it because I think it’s something that will (hopefully) open a lot of eyes.

xoxo.

Stress Is For The Birds.

Seriously, 2013 has been such an interesting year. To say 2012 was a shit hole of a year would be an understatement. So in comparison this year has been all rainbows and butterflies. From leaving the worlds worst job EVERRRR, to moving back to a city where my friends are, to getting my own apartment, to reuniting with my boyfriend and love of my life, 2013 has been nice. But there’s also been some negatives.

 

For one, I’m still having issues in the employment department…but I’ve already done a post on that. But along with that comes financial worries and everything just stresses me out. My boyfriend tells me I worry too much. Which I do, I’ve always been a worry wart. I can’t help it. I suffer from being an optimisit and seeing the beauty in every situation while also being realist (some my say pessimist, but I say realist) and gauging the reality of a situation or the very possible very real outcomes of certain things.

 

I’ve never been the type of person to just go with the flow. I wish I was, it would seriously make my life easier. But I tend to analyze and overanalyze every little thing to the point where it’s exhausting. Which is probably why I’m not working out or eating right. The two things in my life that I have the ability to control at all times and yet…I struggle to do so.

 

The shit ain’t cool people. It ain’t cool. And I literally have a headache from thinking about it.

Worst. Nights. Sleep. Ever.

The alarm was set for 4:50am.

I had every intention of being at the gym.

But my restless mind kept me from sleeping.

I tossed & turned while my mind was up creeping.

I saw 2:00. 3:00 and 4:00 too.

4:30 struck and that was when I knew.

I wouldn’t be making it to the gym at five.

But do not worry people, hope is still alive.

I will be working out at my home tonight.

I’m taking this serious now, I won’t give up the fight.

So that is my poem and I feel much better.

Even though I had the worst nights sleep ever.

xoxo.

 

P.S. Yes. I am an idiot 🙂

I can’t visualize myself skinny.

I’m laying in bed. I should be going to sleep seeing how I’m pushing myself to get up at 5am to go to the gym. But I’m laying here realizing that I literally can not visualize what I will look like skinny. Is that weird? I’ve tried before, to see myself as a smaller person. 120lbs gone. I have no clue what that will look like. I often times wonder if when I lose the weight, what if I’m still not happy with my reflection in the mirror. Then what?

Idk. These are the thoughts that run through my head late at night. The night before a workout. When my mind is trying to trick me out of going to the gym…

But I’m going guys. Promise.

Goodnight.