Weight Loss Goals For 2014

• Do a juice cleanse for 5 days.
• Do a 5k (run or walk).
• Go from a size 22/XXXL to a size 14/16, XL/L
• Start jogging/running.
• Be consistent and accountable.

These 5 goals are the most important goals for me to reach in 2014. I want to take command of my health and my life and I know I can do that. All of these goals are doable and attainable if I am just willing to do the work that is required of me. ..I’m just scared.

Scared of failing.

Scared of starting and stopping like I always do.

Scared I’ll never be able to lose the weight and that I’ll always be the fat friend.

*sigh*

xoxo.

 

It has been way too long….

Since my last post. I’ve been feeling so stuck in the last month or two. I was involved in a hit and run accident on Feb. 1st that damaged my car.  It wasn’t my fault, and luckily the damage wasn’t too bad. I’m just now about to get my car fixed next week. Dealing with insurance companies and going to the hospital for my back which has been jacked up since the accident has been so annoying. I’m stuck in limbo with a job that I interviewed for earlier this month, ended up getting said job, put in my two weeks notice at my other job, just for the job I got to call a week later and tell me they have to “push my start date back.” I was supposed to be starting the job today, Feb. 24th. So far they don’t have any idea what my new start date will be. Luckily my current job is allowing me to stay until that gets straightened out..if it get straightened out.

I’m just dealing with a lot of stress and the last few weeks have been so bad. I’m putting all of that stress basically into sabotaging myself. Going out to eat with friends, not meal prepping, eating junk food and I can feel it taking it’s toll on me. I can tell I’ve gained back the weight I worked so hard to lose. Trying to lose weight is so hard. If you’ve never been fat you don’t know how hard it is. To want to be fit and active and healthy and yet constantly battling the addiction to food is so incredibly frustrating. The saddest part is that I know it’s possible. I’ve seen person after person get up and just do it! So why can’t I? Why am I so FUCKING hard headed? Why do I lack the willpower and motivation to be one of those people? I honestly don’t know what it’s going to take. But I am sick of living like this (literally sick of it as my pants dig into the fat of my stomach. UGH!).

I just feel like in my own personal life, I am alone with this battle. No one truly understands what I’m going through. My friends seem supportive, but they’re not really. I feel like I don’t have anyone around me that just gets it. Like really and truly gets it. And so doing it by myself is hard. I’m so aware of my weight and I feel like recently have become increasingly self conscious about it. I’m too self conscious to go walking around my neighborhood, wondering in the back of my mind what people think when they see me “attempting to be healthy”. I carry these same doubts with me to the gym where I’m surrounded by active fit people who I fear see me as another fat person with a new years resolution that won’t last. All of these negative thoughts that I THINK people are having about me but in all honesty probably could care less about me, are really just me holding myself back. I have said it once and I’ll say it again..this weightloss journey is literally 90% mental for me. I am my biggest critic and I’m trying so hard to be my biggest fan but it’s so hard when nothing in my life currently seems to be working out the way I envisioned…Like I said, I’m stuck.

This post is super whiny and I promise I’m not nearly as depressed as it may come across lol, but if you have any suggestions or any advice on how to get out of a rut..or if you’ve been successful in your weight loss, I would love to hear how you overcame your struggles or any suggestions on what may help me overcome mine.

xoxo.

 

Stress Is For The Birds.

Seriously, 2013 has been such an interesting year. To say 2012 was a shit hole of a year would be an understatement. So in comparison this year has been all rainbows and butterflies. From leaving the worlds worst job EVERRRR, to moving back to a city where my friends are, to getting my own apartment, to reuniting with my boyfriend and love of my life, 2013 has been nice. But there’s also been some negatives.

 

For one, I’m still having issues in the employment department…but I’ve already done a post on that. But along with that comes financial worries and everything just stresses me out. My boyfriend tells me I worry too much. Which I do, I’ve always been a worry wart. I can’t help it. I suffer from being an optimisit and seeing the beauty in every situation while also being realist (some my say pessimist, but I say realist) and gauging the reality of a situation or the very possible very real outcomes of certain things.

 

I’ve never been the type of person to just go with the flow. I wish I was, it would seriously make my life easier. But I tend to analyze and overanalyze every little thing to the point where it’s exhausting. Which is probably why I’m not working out or eating right. The two things in my life that I have the ability to control at all times and yet…I struggle to do so.

 

The shit ain’t cool people. It ain’t cool. And I literally have a headache from thinking about it.

So I felt like now would be a great time to give you a little background about myself.

I’ve always loved school. I loved the social aspect of school. Being with friends, parties, hanging out. But I also just loved to learn. I valued education from the first time I stepped foot into a classroom. Growing up, you are told that if you do well in school, go to college and get a degree, you’ll be on the path to having a successful career and being financially stable.

Well. They were wrong.

I always did well in school. And after high school there was no question, I was going straight to college. I loved undergrad. I met some of my cloeset, lifelong friends there. I partied. I flirted with guys. I had my heart broken. I excelled. I had the true, american college experience and I loved every minute of it. I graduated from undergrad in May of 2011 at the top of my class, a 3.75 GPA, magna cum laude honors, and a BA in Mass Communications. I thought I had everything I needed to find an entry level job with a company that would put me on the path to my dream career.

Well. I was wrong.

After I graduated I went straight to New York where I was lucky enough to stay with a family member and do two amazing internships. They provided a wealth of knowledge and experience and living in New York City is unlike any experience. I will never forget it. However, what those internships did not provide was an income. And in a city as expensive as New York, no income was not going to cut it. The little bit of money I did have was quickly leaving and my mother wasn’t in a financial position to send me money every time I needed it. As much as I hated it, I had to leave New York.

I moved back home to North Carolina and started living with my godmother. I then started working at a daycare. Everyday from October 2011 until this past June, I hated my job. I hated my life. I was depressed. Angry. Sad. Unfulfilled. This whole time I was at the job from hell I continued to apply to other jobs wherever I could. I would go on interviews, do interviews over the phone and ultimately, never get the job. I couldn’t figure out why. By March 2013 I was fed up with my job. I gave myself a deadline and said May 31st would be my last day. I was moving back to the city where I went to college to find work there.

When I moved back here in June, I transferred my part time job in retail to a one of the stores in the local mall. For a month, that was my only source of income as I crashed on the couch at my best friend’s apartment. I started working with a temporary staffing firm who found me my current job. It was a long term temporary position with an insurance company as a switchboard operator. It paid more than the job from hell, but not by much. But I was grateful. It wasn’t the dream job by a longshot but it was a job. All the while, I was still applying for and searching for a job that was A)permanent and B)in line with my career goals. I was getting interviews, but that was it..no job offers. I can’t even tell you how many times I have edited and redited my resume.

Today, I found out that my position with the company will more than likely end by next April. I have a strange feeling that I’ll be lucky to make it to the end of January or February.

With no job offers or potential job opportunties in sight I feel like I’m back at square one. Right where I left off almost 3 years ago when I graduated from college. Only now, I have bills that have to be paid and if I lose my job…what then? Sometimes I have to selfishly ask myself, “Why me?!” I know that in the grand scheme of things, my typical first world problems seem trivial when there are other people dealing with very serious issues out there. But when you feel you’ve always done the right thing you can’t help but question it. I’ve gone to school, made good grades, graduated at the top of your class all of the things I was told I was “supposed” to do yet I have nothing to show for it besides a framed degree that’s doing absolutely nothing for me and over $28,000 in student loans. Yet a girl who made a sex tape is a multimillionaire (yeah I’m talking about you Kim Kardashian). It doesn’t seem fair. And I guess that’s because life isn’t fair.

Friends and family tell me “this is just a part of life!” or “this is just temporary!” but it’s hard to accept that or digest it when you’re in the thick of things.

I just want to not worry for once in my life. I just want to feel secure and happy and at peace.

December Goals

• Get serious about this weightloss again.
• Get my ass to the gym.
• Workout at home on days I don’t go to the gym.
• Strictly clean eating all month. No treats & no red meat or pork. (Except for Christmas lol).
• Believe in myself and in the process.

Last month I didn’t even waste my time making goals. I knew I wasn’t going to meet any of them. I’ve realized that I have to make realistic goals that will work for me and my journey. I think a big reason why I felt so discouraged is because I spend so much time looking at other people’s progress that I felt my journey was inferior. I have to remember that everybody is different and everyone’s journey is unique to them. Also, they had to start somewhere and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them when they started.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up and accepting the fact that this is my life and this is who I am. But I know that’s not really my destiny. This may be who I am right now, but it’s not who I am meant to be.

Anyway, I’ll be working hard to get back on track this month. It’s the last month of the 2013 and another year has gone by where I’ve wanted to lose the weight and yet didn’t really do anything about it. In August I got serious and started making it happen…by the end of October I was burnt out. I have to get out of that habit and accept that this is a lifestyle change. Once I can fully wrap my head around that, I’ll be able to really succeed at this. I don’t want to go into 2014 thinking, “This is the year I do it.” like I’ve done every year since I was probably 10 or 11. I want to go into 2014 feeling confident that I’m really going to make it happen.

Even though it has been a constant struggle, my mindset has changed so much since I started this process in August. This weightloss journey is 80% mental for me and 20% physical. The mind has a great way of telling you what you can and can not do. I’m ready for my body to prove my mind wrong. It’s hard to undo 20+ years of negative thinking and self hate. But I’m going to try my damndest.

Feeling Defeated Much?

So yeah the past couple of weeks have been…well. I’ve just completely fallen off my workout wagon/clean eating wagon. That picture explains it all. Between my birthday, monthly lady issues, the past two weeks have been non stop snacking. Which has always been my biggest issue. The meals I’ve ate have actually been pretty well balanced, clean for the most part (except for the delicious burger I had for my birthday that was beef and had BACON and it was soooooo good. I mean it was my birthday hello!)

But the snacking….chocolate, cake, cookies, ice cream, everything I’ve given up and literally haven’t really consumed much in forever have all come crashing into my mouth as of late. And I’m regretting it. Not only do I feel icky but I’m literally seeing the consequences written all over my face in the form of an acne breakout. I’ve never had a problem with acne, an occasional pimple here or there. But recently they’ve been popping up like crazy. I’ve gone through a whole tube of zit zapper (E.L.F. cosmetics which is amazing because it really works, but a whole tube?!) in about two weeks. Which is insane. I’ve got to get a grip.

I honestly don’t know what my deal is. I just haven’t been feeling it lately. I honestly don’t know how some people stay so motivated. I know I need to do this and I know I want to do this. But…I’m not sure why it’s not enough for me to actually GET UP and do it…ugh. This feeling of defeat has to be temporary. I don’t want to be defeated and I don’t want to be a quitter anymore. I want to win.

 

Doubt.

Confession: Doubt. That’s all that seems to fill my mind lately. Doubting that I can do this. Doubting my abilities. Doubting myself.

When I started my weightloss journey on August 11, 2013 I was convinced I was ready. Convinced that this time, would be the last time I started on this journey because I was finally serious about losing the weight. I created a totally new Instagram page, dedicated only to my weightloss journey. Which was a huge step for me, putting myself out there like that. Although, there’s more to it then that, but I’ll save that for another time. Anyway, I created the account because I wanted to be focused. Only following others who had embarked on a similar journey for inspiration. I found these women and men to be so inspiring. Some people weighed less than me when they started out, others weighed much more than I ever had, and yet they all did it. Were doing it. Accomplishing a goal I had only dreamt about. I knew I could do it too.

I went hard for the first month. My eating habits had changed drastically. No red meat, no pork, more veggies, more fruit, no processed foods, & no junk. Straight clean eating. I stopped paying attention to the scale, mainly because my roommate’s scale was cheap so it spit out random numbers and I couldn’t trust it. Besides, I wasn’t focused on a goal number or weight. I was focused on a look, on a feeling of self appreciation, on my health.

Month 2 went just as well. I’m not sure how much weight I’d lost, but I could tell I had lost because all of my jeans were falling off me. I was proud of myself. I felt like I was doing it. Finally, after so many years of wanting to change, I was changing.

But by the end of month two something happened. I started slowing down. I started exercising less. I couldn’t find the motivation. I felt fat. I felt like everyone I saw on instagram was doing amazing and I just….wasn’t.

That was when I realized I had to stop comparing my journey to everyone else’s. What worked for other people, wasn’t necessarily going to work for me. Everyone’s journey was different. I had to find out what was going to work for me. I had to look at those people as motivation to keep going, but not as the blueprint for my own success.

I’m going to join a gym. I like working out in the gym. But that good friend of mine, doubt, is making me wonder…if you couldn’t find the motivation to walk out of your door and go walking, or exercise in your living room, how are you going to find it to drive to the gym and get out and work? I don’t know the answer that yet. But I think that’s the whole point of a weightloss journey. Trial and error. Find what works for you and give it your all. 

xoxo