“You look like you eat healthy…”

Says the cashier at the grocery store as she rings up my groceries. I politely respond, “I try.” Because I do try. I may not go to the gym or workout nearly as much as I wish I did, but I do try my best to eat as healthy as possible. Just the other day I had a conversation with a friend telling her I for the life of me, can’t remember the last time I ate Doritos. Doritos used to be my favorite snack in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. Seriously. But I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought or ate them. And I’m ok with that. It’s funny because when I go grocery shopping, junk food like that doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. I’m much more apt to buy pita chips & hummus or low fat yogurt & granola for a snack then I am for the crap that I used to eat.

That’s why I know this journey hasn’t been all bad. I’ve succeeded in the healthy eating department and making better choices. It’s just hard to stick to it when I have thin(ner) friends who eat whatever they want and encourage me to have what they’re having. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again..they support me…but it seems as if they don’t care/don’t want me to succeed. Sad, but I’m dealing with it…and I guess the only way to truly handle it is to not give in to the temptations they bring around me.

But I’m excited for the new year. I was approached to be apart of a really cool project that I’m super excited about that’s taking place in January. I’ll share more as the date approaches, but just know it’s super cool and I’m really excited to be apart of it because I think it’s something that will (hopefully) open a lot of eyes.

xoxo.

Stress Is For The Birds.

Seriously, 2013 has been such an interesting year. To say 2012 was a shit hole of a year would be an understatement. So in comparison this year has been all rainbows and butterflies. From leaving the worlds worst job EVERRRR, to moving back to a city where my friends are, to getting my own apartment, to reuniting with my boyfriend and love of my life, 2013 has been nice. But there’s also been some negatives.

 

For one, I’m still having issues in the employment department…but I’ve already done a post on that. But along with that comes financial worries and everything just stresses me out. My boyfriend tells me I worry too much. Which I do, I’ve always been a worry wart. I can’t help it. I suffer from being an optimisit and seeing the beauty in every situation while also being realist (some my say pessimist, but I say realist) and gauging the reality of a situation or the very possible very real outcomes of certain things.

 

I’ve never been the type of person to just go with the flow. I wish I was, it would seriously make my life easier. But I tend to analyze and overanalyze every little thing to the point where it’s exhausting. Which is probably why I’m not working out or eating right. The two things in my life that I have the ability to control at all times and yet…I struggle to do so.

 

The shit ain’t cool people. It ain’t cool. And I literally have a headache from thinking about it.

Lazy much?

Why am I so freaking lazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I’m tired of complaining and whining about it and doing nothing to change it. I can only be mad at myself because I’m doing it to myself. Ugh….so annoying. I will get up and go to the gym in the morning. I will, (ignoring the tiny voice in my head that says I won’t.)

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

I saw something on Instagram a minute ago that pissed me off. 1st of all let me say, I have a love/hate relationship with social media. 2nd of all, after realizing I shouldn’t really care or be mad about what I saw, I felt better, so I was only pissed for a hot second. But it’s the principle people! No one cares about the principle of things anymore. They will do anything to gain one more follower, one more like, or retweet. Ugh..fascinating yet so annoying!

Let’s just say 2013 was the year of CUTTING FOLKS OFF! I was betrayed a lot this year. So I dropped a friend that I’ve konwn practically my whole life, someone I thought was special, and a family member this year.

I can’t deal with negativity. If I feel that you are dragging me down with negative vibes or bringing negativity of any kind into my life I will drop you like a bad habit. Friend, family or foe. I beat myself up enough, I don’t need someone else around to dropkick the crap out of me as well.

So I felt like now would be a great time to give you a little background about myself.

I’ve always loved school. I loved the social aspect of school. Being with friends, parties, hanging out. But I also just loved to learn. I valued education from the first time I stepped foot into a classroom. Growing up, you are told that if you do well in school, go to college and get a degree, you’ll be on the path to having a successful career and being financially stable.

Well. They were wrong.

I always did well in school. And after high school there was no question, I was going straight to college. I loved undergrad. I met some of my cloeset, lifelong friends there. I partied. I flirted with guys. I had my heart broken. I excelled. I had the true, american college experience and I loved every minute of it. I graduated from undergrad in May of 2011 at the top of my class, a 3.75 GPA, magna cum laude honors, and a BA in Mass Communications. I thought I had everything I needed to find an entry level job with a company that would put me on the path to my dream career.

Well. I was wrong.

After I graduated I went straight to New York where I was lucky enough to stay with a family member and do two amazing internships. They provided a wealth of knowledge and experience and living in New York City is unlike any experience. I will never forget it. However, what those internships did not provide was an income. And in a city as expensive as New York, no income was not going to cut it. The little bit of money I did have was quickly leaving and my mother wasn’t in a financial position to send me money every time I needed it. As much as I hated it, I had to leave New York.

I moved back home to North Carolina and started living with my godmother. I then started working at a daycare. Everyday from October 2011 until this past June, I hated my job. I hated my life. I was depressed. Angry. Sad. Unfulfilled. This whole time I was at the job from hell I continued to apply to other jobs wherever I could. I would go on interviews, do interviews over the phone and ultimately, never get the job. I couldn’t figure out why. By March 2013 I was fed up with my job. I gave myself a deadline and said May 31st would be my last day. I was moving back to the city where I went to college to find work there.

When I moved back here in June, I transferred my part time job in retail to a one of the stores in the local mall. For a month, that was my only source of income as I crashed on the couch at my best friend’s apartment. I started working with a temporary staffing firm who found me my current job. It was a long term temporary position with an insurance company as a switchboard operator. It paid more than the job from hell, but not by much. But I was grateful. It wasn’t the dream job by a longshot but it was a job. All the while, I was still applying for and searching for a job that was A)permanent and B)in line with my career goals. I was getting interviews, but that was it..no job offers. I can’t even tell you how many times I have edited and redited my resume.

Today, I found out that my position with the company will more than likely end by next April. I have a strange feeling that I’ll be lucky to make it to the end of January or February.

With no job offers or potential job opportunties in sight I feel like I’m back at square one. Right where I left off almost 3 years ago when I graduated from college. Only now, I have bills that have to be paid and if I lose my job…what then? Sometimes I have to selfishly ask myself, “Why me?!” I know that in the grand scheme of things, my typical first world problems seem trivial when there are other people dealing with very serious issues out there. But when you feel you’ve always done the right thing you can’t help but question it. I’ve gone to school, made good grades, graduated at the top of your class all of the things I was told I was “supposed” to do yet I have nothing to show for it besides a framed degree that’s doing absolutely nothing for me and over $28,000 in student loans. Yet a girl who made a sex tape is a multimillionaire (yeah I’m talking about you Kim Kardashian). It doesn’t seem fair. And I guess that’s because life isn’t fair.

Friends and family tell me “this is just a part of life!” or “this is just temporary!” but it’s hard to accept that or digest it when you’re in the thick of things.

I just want to not worry for once in my life. I just want to feel secure and happy and at peace.

Schedule Shmedule

One thing you’ll find out about me is I love being organized. So I’ve decided to post my meal schedule for you guys as well as my workout schedule. The plan is to eat five to six meals per day. Well technically 3 meals and 3 snacks and to workout 6 days a week, with a rest day on Sunday. So here is the schedule:

Meal Schedule:

• Breakfast: 8:00am-9:00am
• Snack 1: 10:00am-11:00am
• Lunch: 1:00-2:30pm
• Snack 2: 3:00pm-4:30pm
• Dinner: 6:00pm-7:30pm
• Snack 3 (Optional): Before 9:00pm.

Please note, I’ve done my meal schedule like this based on my full time work schedule. I work 8:00am-5:00pm Monday-Friday and I always eat my breakfast at my desk once I’m at work, usually between 8 & 9. Because I take an hour lunch between 1:00-2:30, depending on the day, usually I take my lunch from 1-2, I plan to have a snack around 10:30 or 11 (probably fruit/yogurt, veggis & hummus, granola bar…something like that) because I start feeling a tad hungry, and for weightloss reasons, I want to build my metabolism. I’ll have another small snack (same thing, fruit, veggies..) around 3:30 or 4. I’ll eat my dinner between 6 and 7:30 and I put snack 3 as optional because it will just depend on whether or not I’m hungry. If I’m not hungry, I won’t eat it. If I feel like I need a snack, I’ll have a snack.

I should also point out, this schedule is subject to change based on the fact that I also have a part time job & my schedule for that is always all over the place. For example, this Wednesday (tomorrow) I have to work at the part time job from 7:00pm-10:00pm. Which means I will probably end up eating a small dinner like a salad either before or after work (more than likely after). And because of my 2nd job, if I work on weekends, I will have to modify the schedule to fit whatever time I may be working. So just wanted to throw that out there!

Also, I want to keep track of my macros and calorie intake. I need to do some research to see how many calories I should be eating per day in order to LOSE weight. Because something tells me I may be eating enough to maintain, even if the things I’m eating are healthier.

Exercise Plan:

• Monday: body weight workouts
• Tuesday: Gym
• Wednesday: Body weight workouts
• Thursday: Gym
• Friday: body weight workouts
• Saturday: Gym
• Sunday: Rest

Mondays, Wednesday’s and Fridays I will be working out at home because my goal is to hit the gym at least 3 times a week. Being that my work schedule is crazy (please see above) it’s better for me to get up at 5:00am and go to the gym from 5:30am-6:30am so I can get back home and get ready for work and already have my workout done for the day. So on MWF I’ll be working out in the evenings when I get home from work. The workouts will basically consist of body weight exercies: crunches, jumping jacks, push ups (you get the idea) and things I can do with small weights (which reminds me, I need to buy some!) or I may just pop in my 30 Day Shred dvd and do that. At the gym I plan on getting in 30 mins of cardio and 30 minutes of strength.

On Sunday’s I will meal prep for the week and plan out what body weight exercises I will do at home that week. Ahh I’m so excited! Now that this is out here on the world wide web I have no choice but to be accountable right? Right! This will be even more exciting when I get my Erin Condren Life Planner and can organize it all in there! Ahh the little things….

Worst. Nights. Sleep. Ever.

The alarm was set for 4:50am.

I had every intention of being at the gym.

But my restless mind kept me from sleeping.

I tossed & turned while my mind was up creeping.

I saw 2:00. 3:00 and 4:00 too.

4:30 struck and that was when I knew.

I wouldn’t be making it to the gym at five.

But do not worry people, hope is still alive.

I will be working out at my home tonight.

I’m taking this serious now, I won’t give up the fight.

So that is my poem and I feel much better.

Even though I had the worst nights sleep ever.

xoxo.

 

P.S. Yes. I am an idiot 🙂

I can’t visualize myself skinny.

I’m laying in bed. I should be going to sleep seeing how I’m pushing myself to get up at 5am to go to the gym. But I’m laying here realizing that I literally can not visualize what I will look like skinny. Is that weird? I’ve tried before, to see myself as a smaller person. 120lbs gone. I have no clue what that will look like. I often times wonder if when I lose the weight, what if I’m still not happy with my reflection in the mirror. Then what?

Idk. These are the thoughts that run through my head late at night. The night before a workout. When my mind is trying to trick me out of going to the gym…

But I’m going guys. Promise.

Goodnight.

OMG I’m at work and can not stop yawning!

Help!!!!!

 

I shouldn’t even be sleepy right now.

 

Wtf?!

December Goals

• Get serious about this weightloss again.
• Get my ass to the gym.
• Workout at home on days I don’t go to the gym.
• Strictly clean eating all month. No treats & no red meat or pork. (Except for Christmas lol).
• Believe in myself and in the process.

Last month I didn’t even waste my time making goals. I knew I wasn’t going to meet any of them. I’ve realized that I have to make realistic goals that will work for me and my journey. I think a big reason why I felt so discouraged is because I spend so much time looking at other people’s progress that I felt my journey was inferior. I have to remember that everybody is different and everyone’s journey is unique to them. Also, they had to start somewhere and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them when they started.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up and accepting the fact that this is my life and this is who I am. But I know that’s not really my destiny. This may be who I am right now, but it’s not who I am meant to be.

Anyway, I’ll be working hard to get back on track this month. It’s the last month of the 2013 and another year has gone by where I’ve wanted to lose the weight and yet didn’t really do anything about it. In August I got serious and started making it happen…by the end of October I was burnt out. I have to get out of that habit and accept that this is a lifestyle change. Once I can fully wrap my head around that, I’ll be able to really succeed at this. I don’t want to go into 2014 thinking, “This is the year I do it.” like I’ve done every year since I was probably 10 or 11. I want to go into 2014 feeling confident that I’m really going to make it happen.

Even though it has been a constant struggle, my mindset has changed so much since I started this process in August. This weightloss journey is 80% mental for me and 20% physical. The mind has a great way of telling you what you can and can not do. I’m ready for my body to prove my mind wrong. It’s hard to undo 20+ years of negative thinking and self hate. But I’m going to try my damndest.