Stress Is For The Birds.

Seriously, 2013 has been such an interesting year. To say 2012 was a shit hole of a year would be an understatement. So in comparison this year has been all rainbows and butterflies. From leaving the worlds worst job EVERRRR, to moving back to a city where my friends are, to getting my own apartment, to reuniting with my boyfriend and love of my life, 2013 has been nice. But there’s also been some negatives.

 

For one, I’m still having issues in the employment department…but I’ve already done a post on that. But along with that comes financial worries and everything just stresses me out. My boyfriend tells me I worry too much. Which I do, I’ve always been a worry wart. I can’t help it. I suffer from being an optimisit and seeing the beauty in every situation while also being realist (some my say pessimist, but I say realist) and gauging the reality of a situation or the very possible very real outcomes of certain things.

 

I’ve never been the type of person to just go with the flow. I wish I was, it would seriously make my life easier. But I tend to analyze and overanalyze every little thing to the point where it’s exhausting. Which is probably why I’m not working out or eating right. The two things in my life that I have the ability to control at all times and yet…I struggle to do so.

 

The shit ain’t cool people. It ain’t cool. And I literally have a headache from thinking about it.

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

I saw something on Instagram a minute ago that pissed me off. 1st of all let me say, I have a love/hate relationship with social media. 2nd of all, after realizing I shouldn’t really care or be mad about what I saw, I felt better, so I was only pissed for a hot second. But it’s the principle people! No one cares about the principle of things anymore. They will do anything to gain one more follower, one more like, or retweet. Ugh..fascinating yet so annoying!

Let’s just say 2013 was the year of CUTTING FOLKS OFF! I was betrayed a lot this year. So I dropped a friend that I’ve konwn practically my whole life, someone I thought was special, and a family member this year.

I can’t deal with negativity. If I feel that you are dragging me down with negative vibes or bringing negativity of any kind into my life I will drop you like a bad habit. Friend, family or foe. I beat myself up enough, I don’t need someone else around to dropkick the crap out of me as well.

So I felt like now would be a great time to give you a little background about myself.

I’ve always loved school. I loved the social aspect of school. Being with friends, parties, hanging out. But I also just loved to learn. I valued education from the first time I stepped foot into a classroom. Growing up, you are told that if you do well in school, go to college and get a degree, you’ll be on the path to having a successful career and being financially stable.

Well. They were wrong.

I always did well in school. And after high school there was no question, I was going straight to college. I loved undergrad. I met some of my cloeset, lifelong friends there. I partied. I flirted with guys. I had my heart broken. I excelled. I had the true, american college experience and I loved every minute of it. I graduated from undergrad in May of 2011 at the top of my class, a 3.75 GPA, magna cum laude honors, and a BA in Mass Communications. I thought I had everything I needed to find an entry level job with a company that would put me on the path to my dream career.

Well. I was wrong.

After I graduated I went straight to New York where I was lucky enough to stay with a family member and do two amazing internships. They provided a wealth of knowledge and experience and living in New York City is unlike any experience. I will never forget it. However, what those internships did not provide was an income. And in a city as expensive as New York, no income was not going to cut it. The little bit of money I did have was quickly leaving and my mother wasn’t in a financial position to send me money every time I needed it. As much as I hated it, I had to leave New York.

I moved back home to North Carolina and started living with my godmother. I then started working at a daycare. Everyday from October 2011 until this past June, I hated my job. I hated my life. I was depressed. Angry. Sad. Unfulfilled. This whole time I was at the job from hell I continued to apply to other jobs wherever I could. I would go on interviews, do interviews over the phone and ultimately, never get the job. I couldn’t figure out why. By March 2013 I was fed up with my job. I gave myself a deadline and said May 31st would be my last day. I was moving back to the city where I went to college to find work there.

When I moved back here in June, I transferred my part time job in retail to a one of the stores in the local mall. For a month, that was my only source of income as I crashed on the couch at my best friend’s apartment. I started working with a temporary staffing firm who found me my current job. It was a long term temporary position with an insurance company as a switchboard operator. It paid more than the job from hell, but not by much. But I was grateful. It wasn’t the dream job by a longshot but it was a job. All the while, I was still applying for and searching for a job that was A)permanent and B)in line with my career goals. I was getting interviews, but that was it..no job offers. I can’t even tell you how many times I have edited and redited my resume.

Today, I found out that my position with the company will more than likely end by next April. I have a strange feeling that I’ll be lucky to make it to the end of January or February.

With no job offers or potential job opportunties in sight I feel like I’m back at square one. Right where I left off almost 3 years ago when I graduated from college. Only now, I have bills that have to be paid and if I lose my job…what then? Sometimes I have to selfishly ask myself, “Why me?!” I know that in the grand scheme of things, my typical first world problems seem trivial when there are other people dealing with very serious issues out there. But when you feel you’ve always done the right thing you can’t help but question it. I’ve gone to school, made good grades, graduated at the top of your class all of the things I was told I was “supposed” to do yet I have nothing to show for it besides a framed degree that’s doing absolutely nothing for me and over $28,000 in student loans. Yet a girl who made a sex tape is a multimillionaire (yeah I’m talking about you Kim Kardashian). It doesn’t seem fair. And I guess that’s because life isn’t fair.

Friends and family tell me “this is just a part of life!” or “this is just temporary!” but it’s hard to accept that or digest it when you’re in the thick of things.

I just want to not worry for once in my life. I just want to feel secure and happy and at peace.

Worst. Nights. Sleep. Ever.

The alarm was set for 4:50am.

I had every intention of being at the gym.

But my restless mind kept me from sleeping.

I tossed & turned while my mind was up creeping.

I saw 2:00. 3:00 and 4:00 too.

4:30 struck and that was when I knew.

I wouldn’t be making it to the gym at five.

But do not worry people, hope is still alive.

I will be working out at my home tonight.

I’m taking this serious now, I won’t give up the fight.

So that is my poem and I feel much better.

Even though I had the worst nights sleep ever.

xoxo.

 

P.S. Yes. I am an idiot 🙂

OMG I’m at work and can not stop yawning!

Help!!!!!

 

I shouldn’t even be sleepy right now.

 

Wtf?!