It has been way too long….

Since my last post. I’ve been feeling so stuck in the last month or two. I was involved in a hit and run accident on Feb. 1st that damaged my car.  It wasn’t my fault, and luckily the damage wasn’t too bad. I’m just now about to get my car fixed next week. Dealing with insurance companies and going to the hospital for my back which has been jacked up since the accident has been so annoying. I’m stuck in limbo with a job that I interviewed for earlier this month, ended up getting said job, put in my two weeks notice at my other job, just for the job I got to call a week later and tell me they have to “push my start date back.” I was supposed to be starting the job today, Feb. 24th. So far they don’t have any idea what my new start date will be. Luckily my current job is allowing me to stay until that gets straightened out..if it get straightened out.

I’m just dealing with a lot of stress and the last few weeks have been so bad. I’m putting all of that stress basically into sabotaging myself. Going out to eat with friends, not meal prepping, eating junk food and I can feel it taking it’s toll on me. I can tell I’ve gained back the weight I worked so hard to lose. Trying to lose weight is so hard. If you’ve never been fat you don’t know how hard it is. To want to be fit and active and healthy and yet constantly battling the addiction to food is so incredibly frustrating. The saddest part is that I know it’s possible. I’ve seen person after person get up and just do it! So why can’t I? Why am I so FUCKING hard headed? Why do I lack the willpower and motivation to be one of those people? I honestly don’t know what it’s going to take. But I am sick of living like this (literally sick of it as my pants dig into the fat of my stomach. UGH!).

I just feel like in my own personal life, I am alone with this battle. No one truly understands what I’m going through. My friends seem supportive, but they’re not really. I feel like I don’t have anyone around me that just gets it. Like really and truly gets it. And so doing it by myself is hard. I’m so aware of my weight and I feel like recently have become increasingly self conscious about it. I’m too self conscious to go walking around my neighborhood, wondering in the back of my mind what people think when they see me “attempting to be healthy”. I carry these same doubts with me to the gym where I’m surrounded by active fit people who I fear see me as another fat person with a new years resolution that won’t last. All of these negative thoughts that I THINK people are having about me but in all honesty probably could care less about me, are really just me holding myself back. I have said it once and I’ll say it again..this weightloss journey is literally 90% mental for me. I am my biggest critic and I’m trying so hard to be my biggest fan but it’s so hard when nothing in my life currently seems to be working out the way I envisioned…Like I said, I’m stuck.

This post is super whiny and I promise I’m not nearly as depressed as it may come across lol, but if you have any suggestions or any advice on how to get out of a rut..or if you’ve been successful in your weight loss, I would love to hear how you overcame your struggles or any suggestions on what may help me overcome mine.

xoxo.

 

So I felt like now would be a great time to give you a little background about myself.

I’ve always loved school. I loved the social aspect of school. Being with friends, parties, hanging out. But I also just loved to learn. I valued education from the first time I stepped foot into a classroom. Growing up, you are told that if you do well in school, go to college and get a degree, you’ll be on the path to having a successful career and being financially stable.

Well. They were wrong.

I always did well in school. And after high school there was no question, I was going straight to college. I loved undergrad. I met some of my cloeset, lifelong friends there. I partied. I flirted with guys. I had my heart broken. I excelled. I had the true, american college experience and I loved every minute of it. I graduated from undergrad in May of 2011 at the top of my class, a 3.75 GPA, magna cum laude honors, and a BA in Mass Communications. I thought I had everything I needed to find an entry level job with a company that would put me on the path to my dream career.

Well. I was wrong.

After I graduated I went straight to New York where I was lucky enough to stay with a family member and do two amazing internships. They provided a wealth of knowledge and experience and living in New York City is unlike any experience. I will never forget it. However, what those internships did not provide was an income. And in a city as expensive as New York, no income was not going to cut it. The little bit of money I did have was quickly leaving and my mother wasn’t in a financial position to send me money every time I needed it. As much as I hated it, I had to leave New York.

I moved back home to North Carolina and started living with my godmother. I then started working at a daycare. Everyday from October 2011 until this past June, I hated my job. I hated my life. I was depressed. Angry. Sad. Unfulfilled. This whole time I was at the job from hell I continued to apply to other jobs wherever I could. I would go on interviews, do interviews over the phone and ultimately, never get the job. I couldn’t figure out why. By March 2013 I was fed up with my job. I gave myself a deadline and said May 31st would be my last day. I was moving back to the city where I went to college to find work there.

When I moved back here in June, I transferred my part time job in retail to a one of the stores in the local mall. For a month, that was my only source of income as I crashed on the couch at my best friend’s apartment. I started working with a temporary staffing firm who found me my current job. It was a long term temporary position with an insurance company as a switchboard operator. It paid more than the job from hell, but not by much. But I was grateful. It wasn’t the dream job by a longshot but it was a job. All the while, I was still applying for and searching for a job that was A)permanent and B)in line with my career goals. I was getting interviews, but that was it..no job offers. I can’t even tell you how many times I have edited and redited my resume.

Today, I found out that my position with the company will more than likely end by next April. I have a strange feeling that I’ll be lucky to make it to the end of January or February.

With no job offers or potential job opportunties in sight I feel like I’m back at square one. Right where I left off almost 3 years ago when I graduated from college. Only now, I have bills that have to be paid and if I lose my job…what then? Sometimes I have to selfishly ask myself, “Why me?!” I know that in the grand scheme of things, my typical first world problems seem trivial when there are other people dealing with very serious issues out there. But when you feel you’ve always done the right thing you can’t help but question it. I’ve gone to school, made good grades, graduated at the top of your class all of the things I was told I was “supposed” to do yet I have nothing to show for it besides a framed degree that’s doing absolutely nothing for me and over $28,000 in student loans. Yet a girl who made a sex tape is a multimillionaire (yeah I’m talking about you Kim Kardashian). It doesn’t seem fair. And I guess that’s because life isn’t fair.

Friends and family tell me “this is just a part of life!” or “this is just temporary!” but it’s hard to accept that or digest it when you’re in the thick of things.

I just want to not worry for once in my life. I just want to feel secure and happy and at peace.