30 Days of Accountability

There are things in life that I can’t control. I can’t control whether or not a job will hire me, no matter how qualified I am or how well I perform during an interview. I can’t control the weather messing up my hair or other people’s opinions about various topics. But what I can control is my happiness. My destiny. My health. 2014 has not been going at all the way I thought it would be. I have spent so much time focusing on things that I just can’t change, and neglecting the ones that I can, such as my health and this weight loss journey. I have come up with my own challenge for the month of April. One that is just for me, not one that someone else created that is going to help them succeed. This one is for me, by me, and only I can make it happen. I’m calling it 30 Days of Accountability. 

It’s officially Spring, and I’m ready to wash away all the feelings of hurt, shame, and inadequacy that I have been experiencing the last few months and start over with a clean slate and a new perspective. I may not have the job of my dreams. I may not be making the most money. But even if I lose all of that tomorrow, one thing will remain and that’s me and my health. My life has felt so incredibly out of my control lately, so I need to focus on the things that I do have control over like what I put in my body and whether or not I’m working out. I just want to feel like I’m accomplishing something in my life, because as of late, I haven’t felt like I’ve really accomplished anything. During these 30 days I will basically be focusing on 3 basic points: food, physical activity, and mental health.

30 Days of Accountability:

• Meal Prep!
• Stick to meal prepped food/snacks ONLY. No additional snacking throughout the day, no treats at work, & no eating past 9:00pm.
• (At least) 30 Minutes of exercise 5 days a week! Whether it’s at the gym or at home..I have to get moving for 30 minutes. 
• Wake up and give thanks. Say something nice about myself (has to be a different thing each day).
• Go to bed and reflect on one positive thing from the day. Must be in bed by 10:30pm during the week.
• Write a blog post every day to track progress & measure accountability.

These may all seem like simple things to you..but for me, being accountable for my weight loss has been harder than I could have ever imagined. With so much going on in my life..I have made excuse after excuse not to take better care of me. But it’s affecting me in more ways then I know..and I have to get on track. I want this more than anything…and I literally feel I’m at a point where I’m ready to fight for my life..fight to be the happy person I used to be. Day 1 starts tomorrow.

It has been way too long….

Since my last post. I’ve been feeling so stuck in the last month or two. I was involved in a hit and run accident on Feb. 1st that damaged my car.  It wasn’t my fault, and luckily the damage wasn’t too bad. I’m just now about to get my car fixed next week. Dealing with insurance companies and going to the hospital for my back which has been jacked up since the accident has been so annoying. I’m stuck in limbo with a job that I interviewed for earlier this month, ended up getting said job, put in my two weeks notice at my other job, just for the job I got to call a week later and tell me they have to “push my start date back.” I was supposed to be starting the job today, Feb. 24th. So far they don’t have any idea what my new start date will be. Luckily my current job is allowing me to stay until that gets straightened out..if it get straightened out.

I’m just dealing with a lot of stress and the last few weeks have been so bad. I’m putting all of that stress basically into sabotaging myself. Going out to eat with friends, not meal prepping, eating junk food and I can feel it taking it’s toll on me. I can tell I’ve gained back the weight I worked so hard to lose. Trying to lose weight is so hard. If you’ve never been fat you don’t know how hard it is. To want to be fit and active and healthy and yet constantly battling the addiction to food is so incredibly frustrating. The saddest part is that I know it’s possible. I’ve seen person after person get up and just do it! So why can’t I? Why am I so FUCKING hard headed? Why do I lack the willpower and motivation to be one of those people? I honestly don’t know what it’s going to take. But I am sick of living like this (literally sick of it as my pants dig into the fat of my stomach. UGH!).

I just feel like in my own personal life, I am alone with this battle. No one truly understands what I’m going through. My friends seem supportive, but they’re not really. I feel like I don’t have anyone around me that just gets it. Like really and truly gets it. And so doing it by myself is hard. I’m so aware of my weight and I feel like recently have become increasingly self conscious about it. I’m too self conscious to go walking around my neighborhood, wondering in the back of my mind what people think when they see me “attempting to be healthy”. I carry these same doubts with me to the gym where I’m surrounded by active fit people who I fear see me as another fat person with a new years resolution that won’t last. All of these negative thoughts that I THINK people are having about me but in all honesty probably could care less about me, are really just me holding myself back. I have said it once and I’ll say it again..this weightloss journey is literally 90% mental for me. I am my biggest critic and I’m trying so hard to be my biggest fan but it’s so hard when nothing in my life currently seems to be working out the way I envisioned…Like I said, I’m stuck.

This post is super whiny and I promise I’m not nearly as depressed as it may come across lol, but if you have any suggestions or any advice on how to get out of a rut..or if you’ve been successful in your weight loss, I would love to hear how you overcame your struggles or any suggestions on what may help me overcome mine.

xoxo.

 

December Goals

• Get serious about this weightloss again.
• Get my ass to the gym.
• Workout at home on days I don’t go to the gym.
• Strictly clean eating all month. No treats & no red meat or pork. (Except for Christmas lol).
• Believe in myself and in the process.

Last month I didn’t even waste my time making goals. I knew I wasn’t going to meet any of them. I’ve realized that I have to make realistic goals that will work for me and my journey. I think a big reason why I felt so discouraged is because I spend so much time looking at other people’s progress that I felt my journey was inferior. I have to remember that everybody is different and everyone’s journey is unique to them. Also, they had to start somewhere and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them when they started.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up and accepting the fact that this is my life and this is who I am. But I know that’s not really my destiny. This may be who I am right now, but it’s not who I am meant to be.

Anyway, I’ll be working hard to get back on track this month. It’s the last month of the 2013 and another year has gone by where I’ve wanted to lose the weight and yet didn’t really do anything about it. In August I got serious and started making it happen…by the end of October I was burnt out. I have to get out of that habit and accept that this is a lifestyle change. Once I can fully wrap my head around that, I’ll be able to really succeed at this. I don’t want to go into 2014 thinking, “This is the year I do it.” like I’ve done every year since I was probably 10 or 11. I want to go into 2014 feeling confident that I’m really going to make it happen.

Even though it has been a constant struggle, my mindset has changed so much since I started this process in August. This weightloss journey is 80% mental for me and 20% physical. The mind has a great way of telling you what you can and can not do. I’m ready for my body to prove my mind wrong. It’s hard to undo 20+ years of negative thinking and self hate. But I’m going to try my damndest.

Things I Absolutely Love

In an attempt to make myself feel better and to also not come across as such a negative nellie, here is a list of all the things I love:

• Anything sparkly, glittery, or pink. Yes. I’m THAT girl.
• Cheese.
• Shopping.
• Handbags. Love love looooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeee handbags.
• Music
• My family
• My friends
• My awesome amazing sweet boyfriend
• Reality tv
• Scandal
• Movies
• Cute shoes
• Makeup
• Getting dressed up
• Laughing
• Halloween
• Christmas
• New York City
• Reading
• my iPad
• my iPhone
• chapstick..i hate having dry lips!
• my apartment
• My bed
• black & white
• rainbows
• art
• museums
• swimming
• jack russell terriers
• writing
• cupcakes
• chocolate
• wine
• atlanta
• london
• italy
• nail polish
• silver & gold
• organization
• journals
• education
• growing, changing, and ever evolving.
• me.

See the good always outweighs the bad. It’s easy to get caught up on one or two negative things and forget about all of the good around you. And I’m working on getting me up higher on that list. But at least I’m on there. Baby steps right? Right. Time for Scandal…goodnight!

xoxo.

Things I Absolutely CAN NOT Deal With

I didn’t feel like typing a traditional post because I’m currently annoyed and just felt that I should bullet all of the things that I absolutely can’t deal with. Those things are as follows:

• People who are negative ALL THE TIME.
• Clutter, mess, junk, dirtiness!
• the fact that i am so incredibly lazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
• being overweight but not being able to find the motivation to take my lazy butt to the gym because (please see above bullet).
• messing up my nails after i just took the time to paint them! grrr.
• super hot weather.
• not being able to go shopping when i want to because i’m being so fiscally responsible…boo!
• shady mcshadyington’s (shady people)
• having a boyfriend that lives an hour away.
• working two jobs YET i see no end to this any time soon.
• feeling so blah 😦

I don’t know if you can tell but….I’m in a mood. This too shall pass.

xoxo.