Day 1

So far, day 1 of my 30 days of accountability challenge has been going well. I woke up, gave thanks, and said something nice about myself. Today I focused on the fact that I’m funny and have a great sense of humor. This is one of the things I like the most about myself. So far, my eating is right on track with what I meal prepped. For breakfast I had low fat vanilla yogurt with pineapples & granola. I had a snack which was a Special K Moments bar, the salted caramel one. It’s only 70 calories so it’s a tasty little treat and not too bad for you. For lunch I’m having brown rice & salsa and a chicken fajita with green, yellow, & red peppers, and a little shredded cheese, on a whole wheat tortilla. During my hour long lunch break, I plan to eat first, then spend 30 minutes walking around downtown for my exercise today. Not the most invigorating form of exercise, but the point was to get moving for at least 30 minutes a day. Now I will say this will be my one and only set back today because my alarm was set for 4:45am so that I could be at the gym at 5:30 this morning but…I just couldn’t get myself out of the bed! I bought a new foam mattress topper thing and it is EVERYTHING! Seriously, I sleep like a baby. My mattress is good and firm, but I need a little softness and support because my back was killing me and since I’ve been sleeping on it, I’ve noticed my back has been hurting a lot less the last few days. Ok, that was off topic but anyway! I also have to work at my part time job tonight so..a brisk walk downtown during my lunch break will have to be the extent of it today. Luckily at my part time, there’s lots of walking and lifting of heavy boxes so..I think that should count toward my exercise as well. I’m honestly not too disappointed because at least I’ll be moving, which is better than the alternative. I will make more of an effort to get up early in the morning to workout. 

I plan on taking my dinner with me to work tonight so I can eat it while I’m there because I won’t be getting off until 9:30pm which means I won’t get home until around 10. I’ll be having a grilled chicken salad with baby spinach and a mix of lettuces, salad toppers, peppers, feta cheese, and an avocado ranch dressing (2 tbs is 130 cals and it’s really yummy). Once I get home I plan on getting straight to bed! I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but it seems like day 1 is shaping up to be a sucess!

xoxo.

Weight Loss Goals For 2014

• Do a juice cleanse for 5 days.
• Do a 5k (run or walk).
• Go from a size 22/XXXL to a size 14/16, XL/L
• Start jogging/running.
• Be consistent and accountable.

These 5 goals are the most important goals for me to reach in 2014. I want to take command of my health and my life and I know I can do that. All of these goals are doable and attainable if I am just willing to do the work that is required of me. ..I’m just scared.

Scared of failing.

Scared of starting and stopping like I always do.

Scared I’ll never be able to lose the weight and that I’ll always be the fat friend.

*sigh*

xoxo.

 

Back to the Basics!

This week I had somewhat of a break down/ wake up call/ come to Jesus moment, whatever you want to call it. But I realize that my weight loss journey is my own. Only I can do it, and no one can do the work for me. So I knew I needed to start fresh and have a clean break. I went grocery shopping after I got off work Monday night and I bought everything I needed to meal prep for the week.

Breakfast: Low fat vanilla yogurt, peaches or pineapples, granola.

Snack 1: Celery, hummus, and sliced pepper jack cheese.

Lunch: Chick fajitas (whole wheat tortilla, chicken breast, onions, green pepper, red pepper, jalapeno, 1tbs cheddar cheese), brown rice & salsa.

Snack 2: Granola bar or chex mix.

Dinner: Whatever I feel like making when I get home. More than likely a salad or lettuce wraps with chicken, cheese, salsa…

Optional Snack: Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich.

Meal prepping is so beneficial to me. It really takes the guess work out of what I’m going to have for lunch and it actually saves me money. I don’t even want to know how much I’ve spent on eating out the last month and a half. I really want to focus more on my eating habits. I know I have a terrible relationship with food. My main problems with food is overeating, binge eating, and emotional eating.

Even yesterday…I meal prepped..I did great all day at work eating my meals at the respective times. When I got home, I ate my dinner. Then I went back for a little more. Immediately after I ate some chex mix. A little while passed and I was having my “Optional” snack. All of this happened within a span of two hours. I don’t even know if I was hungry. Just knowing the food is there…is enough to make me go eat it. Even if it’s healthier options, I still binge. I feel like that’s even more of a reason to. I don’t feel happy afterward…I question myself on why I ate all of that food. I feel disgusted. And then I do it again the next day. It’s a battle. But I’ve got to start practicing some type of willpower or I’ll never be able to accomplish my goal of losing weight. I think eventually I want to start seeing a nutritionist and maybe even a therapist to work through my issues with food. I think once I can conquer my relationship with food, everything else will fall into place.

“Do you want me to get you a donut?”

One of my supervior’s at work asked me today. “No, thank you. I’m fine.” I replied. “Are you sure? You don’t want one?” he asked me again. “I’m sure, thanks.” “You sure, you’re sure?” he asked AGAIN. “I’M SURE THANK YOU!” I replied loudly. “Ooook.” he said in his stupid sing song voice that annoys the shit out of me.

Like seriously. What. the. fuck.

Just because I’m a bigger woman doesn’t mean I have to gorge myself with donuts every time they’re offered to me. I already don’t care for this supervisor, but at times I feel like he’s personally taking little digs at me and I’ve about had enough of it. If you ask me if I want something and I tell you no, say ok and keep it moving. 

This journey has been difficult enough. I have stopped and started and given up and felt let down and felt defeated and felt fat and depressed and disgusting so many times throughout it. And then there are times when I’ve felt strong, and good, and capable of doing this. When a situation like this occurs, where someone makes the assumption that because I am overweight that I want something bad that they’re having it’s like a slap in the face. I would love to say that he said this and I let it roll off of me but it bothered me. It made me angry, and it hurt just a little bit.

Something has to change.

“You look like you eat healthy…”

Says the cashier at the grocery store as she rings up my groceries. I politely respond, “I try.” Because I do try. I may not go to the gym or workout nearly as much as I wish I did, but I do try my best to eat as healthy as possible. Just the other day I had a conversation with a friend telling her I for the life of me, can’t remember the last time I ate Doritos. Doritos used to be my favorite snack in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. Seriously. But I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought or ate them. And I’m ok with that. It’s funny because when I go grocery shopping, junk food like that doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. I’m much more apt to buy pita chips & hummus or low fat yogurt & granola for a snack then I am for the crap that I used to eat.

That’s why I know this journey hasn’t been all bad. I’ve succeeded in the healthy eating department and making better choices. It’s just hard to stick to it when I have thin(ner) friends who eat whatever they want and encourage me to have what they’re having. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again..they support me…but it seems as if they don’t care/don’t want me to succeed. Sad, but I’m dealing with it…and I guess the only way to truly handle it is to not give in to the temptations they bring around me.

But I’m excited for the new year. I was approached to be apart of a really cool project that I’m super excited about that’s taking place in January. I’ll share more as the date approaches, but just know it’s super cool and I’m really excited to be apart of it because I think it’s something that will (hopefully) open a lot of eyes.

xoxo.

Stress Is For The Birds.

Seriously, 2013 has been such an interesting year. To say 2012 was a shit hole of a year would be an understatement. So in comparison this year has been all rainbows and butterflies. From leaving the worlds worst job EVERRRR, to moving back to a city where my friends are, to getting my own apartment, to reuniting with my boyfriend and love of my life, 2013 has been nice. But there’s also been some negatives.

 

For one, I’m still having issues in the employment department…but I’ve already done a post on that. But along with that comes financial worries and everything just stresses me out. My boyfriend tells me I worry too much. Which I do, I’ve always been a worry wart. I can’t help it. I suffer from being an optimisit and seeing the beauty in every situation while also being realist (some my say pessimist, but I say realist) and gauging the reality of a situation or the very possible very real outcomes of certain things.

 

I’ve never been the type of person to just go with the flow. I wish I was, it would seriously make my life easier. But I tend to analyze and overanalyze every little thing to the point where it’s exhausting. Which is probably why I’m not working out or eating right. The two things in my life that I have the ability to control at all times and yet…I struggle to do so.

 

The shit ain’t cool people. It ain’t cool. And I literally have a headache from thinking about it.

Schedule Shmedule

One thing you’ll find out about me is I love being organized. So I’ve decided to post my meal schedule for you guys as well as my workout schedule. The plan is to eat five to six meals per day. Well technically 3 meals and 3 snacks and to workout 6 days a week, with a rest day on Sunday. So here is the schedule:

Meal Schedule:

• Breakfast: 8:00am-9:00am
• Snack 1: 10:00am-11:00am
• Lunch: 1:00-2:30pm
• Snack 2: 3:00pm-4:30pm
• Dinner: 6:00pm-7:30pm
• Snack 3 (Optional): Before 9:00pm.

Please note, I’ve done my meal schedule like this based on my full time work schedule. I work 8:00am-5:00pm Monday-Friday and I always eat my breakfast at my desk once I’m at work, usually between 8 & 9. Because I take an hour lunch between 1:00-2:30, depending on the day, usually I take my lunch from 1-2, I plan to have a snack around 10:30 or 11 (probably fruit/yogurt, veggis & hummus, granola bar…something like that) because I start feeling a tad hungry, and for weightloss reasons, I want to build my metabolism. I’ll have another small snack (same thing, fruit, veggies..) around 3:30 or 4. I’ll eat my dinner between 6 and 7:30 and I put snack 3 as optional because it will just depend on whether or not I’m hungry. If I’m not hungry, I won’t eat it. If I feel like I need a snack, I’ll have a snack.

I should also point out, this schedule is subject to change based on the fact that I also have a part time job & my schedule for that is always all over the place. For example, this Wednesday (tomorrow) I have to work at the part time job from 7:00pm-10:00pm. Which means I will probably end up eating a small dinner like a salad either before or after work (more than likely after). And because of my 2nd job, if I work on weekends, I will have to modify the schedule to fit whatever time I may be working. So just wanted to throw that out there!

Also, I want to keep track of my macros and calorie intake. I need to do some research to see how many calories I should be eating per day in order to LOSE weight. Because something tells me I may be eating enough to maintain, even if the things I’m eating are healthier.

Exercise Plan:

• Monday: body weight workouts
• Tuesday: Gym
• Wednesday: Body weight workouts
• Thursday: Gym
• Friday: body weight workouts
• Saturday: Gym
• Sunday: Rest

Mondays, Wednesday’s and Fridays I will be working out at home because my goal is to hit the gym at least 3 times a week. Being that my work schedule is crazy (please see above) it’s better for me to get up at 5:00am and go to the gym from 5:30am-6:30am so I can get back home and get ready for work and already have my workout done for the day. So on MWF I’ll be working out in the evenings when I get home from work. The workouts will basically consist of body weight exercies: crunches, jumping jacks, push ups (you get the idea) and things I can do with small weights (which reminds me, I need to buy some!) or I may just pop in my 30 Day Shred dvd and do that. At the gym I plan on getting in 30 mins of cardio and 30 minutes of strength.

On Sunday’s I will meal prep for the week and plan out what body weight exercises I will do at home that week. Ahh I’m so excited! Now that this is out here on the world wide web I have no choice but to be accountable right? Right! This will be even more exciting when I get my Erin Condren Life Planner and can organize it all in there! Ahh the little things….

Worst. Nights. Sleep. Ever.

The alarm was set for 4:50am.

I had every intention of being at the gym.

But my restless mind kept me from sleeping.

I tossed & turned while my mind was up creeping.

I saw 2:00. 3:00 and 4:00 too.

4:30 struck and that was when I knew.

I wouldn’t be making it to the gym at five.

But do not worry people, hope is still alive.

I will be working out at my home tonight.

I’m taking this serious now, I won’t give up the fight.

So that is my poem and I feel much better.

Even though I had the worst nights sleep ever.

xoxo.

 

P.S. Yes. I am an idiot 🙂

I can’t visualize myself skinny.

I’m laying in bed. I should be going to sleep seeing how I’m pushing myself to get up at 5am to go to the gym. But I’m laying here realizing that I literally can not visualize what I will look like skinny. Is that weird? I’ve tried before, to see myself as a smaller person. 120lbs gone. I have no clue what that will look like. I often times wonder if when I lose the weight, what if I’m still not happy with my reflection in the mirror. Then what?

Idk. These are the thoughts that run through my head late at night. The night before a workout. When my mind is trying to trick me out of going to the gym…

But I’m going guys. Promise.

Goodnight.

December Goals

• Get serious about this weightloss again.
• Get my ass to the gym.
• Workout at home on days I don’t go to the gym.
• Strictly clean eating all month. No treats & no red meat or pork. (Except for Christmas lol).
• Believe in myself and in the process.

Last month I didn’t even waste my time making goals. I knew I wasn’t going to meet any of them. I’ve realized that I have to make realistic goals that will work for me and my journey. I think a big reason why I felt so discouraged is because I spend so much time looking at other people’s progress that I felt my journey was inferior. I have to remember that everybody is different and everyone’s journey is unique to them. Also, they had to start somewhere and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them when they started.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up and accepting the fact that this is my life and this is who I am. But I know that’s not really my destiny. This may be who I am right now, but it’s not who I am meant to be.

Anyway, I’ll be working hard to get back on track this month. It’s the last month of the 2013 and another year has gone by where I’ve wanted to lose the weight and yet didn’t really do anything about it. In August I got serious and started making it happen…by the end of October I was burnt out. I have to get out of that habit and accept that this is a lifestyle change. Once I can fully wrap my head around that, I’ll be able to really succeed at this. I don’t want to go into 2014 thinking, “This is the year I do it.” like I’ve done every year since I was probably 10 or 11. I want to go into 2014 feeling confident that I’m really going to make it happen.

Even though it has been a constant struggle, my mindset has changed so much since I started this process in August. This weightloss journey is 80% mental for me and 20% physical. The mind has a great way of telling you what you can and can not do. I’m ready for my body to prove my mind wrong. It’s hard to undo 20+ years of negative thinking and self hate. But I’m going to try my damndest.