Day 1

So far, day 1 of my 30 days of accountability challenge has been going well. I woke up, gave thanks, and said something nice about myself. Today I focused on the fact that I’m funny and have a great sense of humor. This is one of the things I like the most about myself. So far, my eating is right on track with what I meal prepped. For breakfast I had low fat vanilla yogurt with pineapples & granola. I had a snack which was a Special K Moments bar, the salted caramel one. It’s only 70 calories so it’s a tasty little treat and not too bad for you. For lunch I’m having brown rice & salsa and a chicken fajita with green, yellow, & red peppers, and a little shredded cheese, on a whole wheat tortilla. During my hour long lunch break, I plan to eat first, then spend 30 minutes walking around downtown for my exercise today. Not the most invigorating form of exercise, but the point was to get moving for at least 30 minutes a day. Now I will say this will be my one and only set back today because my alarm was set for 4:45am so that I could be at the gym at 5:30 this morning but…I just couldn’t get myself out of the bed! I bought a new foam mattress topper thing and it is EVERYTHING! Seriously, I sleep like a baby. My mattress is good and firm, but I need a little softness and support because my back was killing me and since I’ve been sleeping on it, I’ve noticed my back has been hurting a lot less the last few days. Ok, that was off topic but anyway! I also have to work at my part time job tonight so..a brisk walk downtown during my lunch break will have to be the extent of it today. Luckily at my part time, there’s lots of walking and lifting of heavy boxes so..I think that should count toward my exercise as well. I’m honestly not too disappointed because at least I’ll be moving, which is better than the alternative. I will make more of an effort to get up early in the morning to workout. 

I plan on taking my dinner with me to work tonight so I can eat it while I’m there because I won’t be getting off until 9:30pm which means I won’t get home until around 10. I’ll be having a grilled chicken salad with baby spinach and a mix of lettuces, salad toppers, peppers, feta cheese, and an avocado ranch dressing (2 tbs is 130 cals and it’s really yummy). Once I get home I plan on getting straight to bed! I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but it seems like day 1 is shaping up to be a sucess!

xoxo.

“Do you want me to get you a donut?”

One of my supervior’s at work asked me today. “No, thank you. I’m fine.” I replied. “Are you sure? You don’t want one?” he asked me again. “I’m sure, thanks.” “You sure, you’re sure?” he asked AGAIN. “I’M SURE THANK YOU!” I replied loudly. “Ooook.” he said in his stupid sing song voice that annoys the shit out of me.

Like seriously. What. the. fuck.

Just because I’m a bigger woman doesn’t mean I have to gorge myself with donuts every time they’re offered to me. I already don’t care for this supervisor, but at times I feel like he’s personally taking little digs at me and I’ve about had enough of it. If you ask me if I want something and I tell you no, say ok and keep it moving. 

This journey has been difficult enough. I have stopped and started and given up and felt let down and felt defeated and felt fat and depressed and disgusting so many times throughout it. And then there are times when I’ve felt strong, and good, and capable of doing this. When a situation like this occurs, where someone makes the assumption that because I am overweight that I want something bad that they’re having it’s like a slap in the face. I would love to say that he said this and I let it roll off of me but it bothered me. It made me angry, and it hurt just a little bit.

Something has to change.

“You look like you eat healthy…”

Says the cashier at the grocery store as she rings up my groceries. I politely respond, “I try.” Because I do try. I may not go to the gym or workout nearly as much as I wish I did, but I do try my best to eat as healthy as possible. Just the other day I had a conversation with a friend telling her I for the life of me, can’t remember the last time I ate Doritos. Doritos used to be my favorite snack in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. Seriously. But I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought or ate them. And I’m ok with that. It’s funny because when I go grocery shopping, junk food like that doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. I’m much more apt to buy pita chips & hummus or low fat yogurt & granola for a snack then I am for the crap that I used to eat.

That’s why I know this journey hasn’t been all bad. I’ve succeeded in the healthy eating department and making better choices. It’s just hard to stick to it when I have thin(ner) friends who eat whatever they want and encourage me to have what they’re having. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again..they support me…but it seems as if they don’t care/don’t want me to succeed. Sad, but I’m dealing with it…and I guess the only way to truly handle it is to not give in to the temptations they bring around me.

But I’m excited for the new year. I was approached to be apart of a really cool project that I’m super excited about that’s taking place in January. I’ll share more as the date approaches, but just know it’s super cool and I’m really excited to be apart of it because I think it’s something that will (hopefully) open a lot of eyes.

xoxo.

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

I saw something on Instagram a minute ago that pissed me off. 1st of all let me say, I have a love/hate relationship with social media. 2nd of all, after realizing I shouldn’t really care or be mad about what I saw, I felt better, so I was only pissed for a hot second. But it’s the principle people! No one cares about the principle of things anymore. They will do anything to gain one more follower, one more like, or retweet. Ugh..fascinating yet so annoying!

Let’s just say 2013 was the year of CUTTING FOLKS OFF! I was betrayed a lot this year. So I dropped a friend that I’ve konwn practically my whole life, someone I thought was special, and a family member this year.

I can’t deal with negativity. If I feel that you are dragging me down with negative vibes or bringing negativity of any kind into my life I will drop you like a bad habit. Friend, family or foe. I beat myself up enough, I don’t need someone else around to dropkick the crap out of me as well.

December Goals

• Get serious about this weightloss again.
• Get my ass to the gym.
• Workout at home on days I don’t go to the gym.
• Strictly clean eating all month. No treats & no red meat or pork. (Except for Christmas lol).
• Believe in myself and in the process.

Last month I didn’t even waste my time making goals. I knew I wasn’t going to meet any of them. I’ve realized that I have to make realistic goals that will work for me and my journey. I think a big reason why I felt so discouraged is because I spend so much time looking at other people’s progress that I felt my journey was inferior. I have to remember that everybody is different and everyone’s journey is unique to them. Also, they had to start somewhere and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them when they started.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up and accepting the fact that this is my life and this is who I am. But I know that’s not really my destiny. This may be who I am right now, but it’s not who I am meant to be.

Anyway, I’ll be working hard to get back on track this month. It’s the last month of the 2013 and another year has gone by where I’ve wanted to lose the weight and yet didn’t really do anything about it. In August I got serious and started making it happen…by the end of October I was burnt out. I have to get out of that habit and accept that this is a lifestyle change. Once I can fully wrap my head around that, I’ll be able to really succeed at this. I don’t want to go into 2014 thinking, “This is the year I do it.” like I’ve done every year since I was probably 10 or 11. I want to go into 2014 feeling confident that I’m really going to make it happen.

Even though it has been a constant struggle, my mindset has changed so much since I started this process in August. This weightloss journey is 80% mental for me and 20% physical. The mind has a great way of telling you what you can and can not do. I’m ready for my body to prove my mind wrong. It’s hard to undo 20+ years of negative thinking and self hate. But I’m going to try my damndest.

Things I Absolutely Love

In an attempt to make myself feel better and to also not come across as such a negative nellie, here is a list of all the things I love:

• Anything sparkly, glittery, or pink. Yes. I’m THAT girl.
• Cheese.
• Shopping.
• Handbags. Love love looooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeee handbags.
• Music
• My family
• My friends
• My awesome amazing sweet boyfriend
• Reality tv
• Scandal
• Movies
• Cute shoes
• Makeup
• Getting dressed up
• Laughing
• Halloween
• Christmas
• New York City
• Reading
• my iPad
• my iPhone
• chapstick..i hate having dry lips!
• my apartment
• My bed
• black & white
• rainbows
• art
• museums
• swimming
• jack russell terriers
• writing
• cupcakes
• chocolate
• wine
• atlanta
• london
• italy
• nail polish
• silver & gold
• organization
• journals
• education
• growing, changing, and ever evolving.
• me.

See the good always outweighs the bad. It’s easy to get caught up on one or two negative things and forget about all of the good around you. And I’m working on getting me up higher on that list. But at least I’m on there. Baby steps right? Right. Time for Scandal…goodnight!

xoxo.

Things I Absolutely CAN NOT Deal With

I didn’t feel like typing a traditional post because I’m currently annoyed and just felt that I should bullet all of the things that I absolutely can’t deal with. Those things are as follows:

• People who are negative ALL THE TIME.
• Clutter, mess, junk, dirtiness!
• the fact that i am so incredibly lazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
• being overweight but not being able to find the motivation to take my lazy butt to the gym because (please see above bullet).
• messing up my nails after i just took the time to paint them! grrr.
• super hot weather.
• not being able to go shopping when i want to because i’m being so fiscally responsible…boo!
• shady mcshadyington’s (shady people)
• having a boyfriend that lives an hour away.
• working two jobs YET i see no end to this any time soon.
• feeling so blah 😦

I don’t know if you can tell but….I’m in a mood. This too shall pass.

xoxo.