Weight Loss Goals For 2014

• Do a juice cleanse for 5 days.
• Do a 5k (run or walk).
• Go from a size 22/XXXL to a size 14/16, XL/L
• Start jogging/running.
• Be consistent and accountable.

These 5 goals are the most important goals for me to reach in 2014. I want to take command of my health and my life and I know I can do that. All of these goals are doable and attainable if I am just willing to do the work that is required of me. ..I’m just scared.

Scared of failing.

Scared of starting and stopping like I always do.

Scared I’ll never be able to lose the weight and that I’ll always be the fat friend.

*sigh*

xoxo.

 

It has been way too long….

Since my last post. I’ve been feeling so stuck in the last month or two. I was involved in a hit and run accident on Feb. 1st that damaged my car.  It wasn’t my fault, and luckily the damage wasn’t too bad. I’m just now about to get my car fixed next week. Dealing with insurance companies and going to the hospital for my back which has been jacked up since the accident has been so annoying. I’m stuck in limbo with a job that I interviewed for earlier this month, ended up getting said job, put in my two weeks notice at my other job, just for the job I got to call a week later and tell me they have to “push my start date back.” I was supposed to be starting the job today, Feb. 24th. So far they don’t have any idea what my new start date will be. Luckily my current job is allowing me to stay until that gets straightened out..if it get straightened out.

I’m just dealing with a lot of stress and the last few weeks have been so bad. I’m putting all of that stress basically into sabotaging myself. Going out to eat with friends, not meal prepping, eating junk food and I can feel it taking it’s toll on me. I can tell I’ve gained back the weight I worked so hard to lose. Trying to lose weight is so hard. If you’ve never been fat you don’t know how hard it is. To want to be fit and active and healthy and yet constantly battling the addiction to food is so incredibly frustrating. The saddest part is that I know it’s possible. I’ve seen person after person get up and just do it! So why can’t I? Why am I so FUCKING hard headed? Why do I lack the willpower and motivation to be one of those people? I honestly don’t know what it’s going to take. But I am sick of living like this (literally sick of it as my pants dig into the fat of my stomach. UGH!).

I just feel like in my own personal life, I am alone with this battle. No one truly understands what I’m going through. My friends seem supportive, but they’re not really. I feel like I don’t have anyone around me that just gets it. Like really and truly gets it. And so doing it by myself is hard. I’m so aware of my weight and I feel like recently have become increasingly self conscious about it. I’m too self conscious to go walking around my neighborhood, wondering in the back of my mind what people think when they see me “attempting to be healthy”. I carry these same doubts with me to the gym where I’m surrounded by active fit people who I fear see me as another fat person with a new years resolution that won’t last. All of these negative thoughts that I THINK people are having about me but in all honesty probably could care less about me, are really just me holding myself back. I have said it once and I’ll say it again..this weightloss journey is literally 90% mental for me. I am my biggest critic and I’m trying so hard to be my biggest fan but it’s so hard when nothing in my life currently seems to be working out the way I envisioned…Like I said, I’m stuck.

This post is super whiny and I promise I’m not nearly as depressed as it may come across lol, but if you have any suggestions or any advice on how to get out of a rut..or if you’ve been successful in your weight loss, I would love to hear how you overcame your struggles or any suggestions on what may help me overcome mine.

xoxo.

 

Stress Is For The Birds.

Seriously, 2013 has been such an interesting year. To say 2012 was a shit hole of a year would be an understatement. So in comparison this year has been all rainbows and butterflies. From leaving the worlds worst job EVERRRR, to moving back to a city where my friends are, to getting my own apartment, to reuniting with my boyfriend and love of my life, 2013 has been nice. But there’s also been some negatives.

 

For one, I’m still having issues in the employment department…but I’ve already done a post on that. But along with that comes financial worries and everything just stresses me out. My boyfriend tells me I worry too much. Which I do, I’ve always been a worry wart. I can’t help it. I suffer from being an optimisit and seeing the beauty in every situation while also being realist (some my say pessimist, but I say realist) and gauging the reality of a situation or the very possible very real outcomes of certain things.

 

I’ve never been the type of person to just go with the flow. I wish I was, it would seriously make my life easier. But I tend to analyze and overanalyze every little thing to the point where it’s exhausting. Which is probably why I’m not working out or eating right. The two things in my life that I have the ability to control at all times and yet…I struggle to do so.

 

The shit ain’t cool people. It ain’t cool. And I literally have a headache from thinking about it.

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

I saw something on Instagram a minute ago that pissed me off. 1st of all let me say, I have a love/hate relationship with social media. 2nd of all, after realizing I shouldn’t really care or be mad about what I saw, I felt better, so I was only pissed for a hot second. But it’s the principle people! No one cares about the principle of things anymore. They will do anything to gain one more follower, one more like, or retweet. Ugh..fascinating yet so annoying!

Let’s just say 2013 was the year of CUTTING FOLKS OFF! I was betrayed a lot this year. So I dropped a friend that I’ve konwn practically my whole life, someone I thought was special, and a family member this year.

I can’t deal with negativity. If I feel that you are dragging me down with negative vibes or bringing negativity of any kind into my life I will drop you like a bad habit. Friend, family or foe. I beat myself up enough, I don’t need someone else around to dropkick the crap out of me as well.

So I felt like now would be a great time to give you a little background about myself.

I’ve always loved school. I loved the social aspect of school. Being with friends, parties, hanging out. But I also just loved to learn. I valued education from the first time I stepped foot into a classroom. Growing up, you are told that if you do well in school, go to college and get a degree, you’ll be on the path to having a successful career and being financially stable.

Well. They were wrong.

I always did well in school. And after high school there was no question, I was going straight to college. I loved undergrad. I met some of my cloeset, lifelong friends there. I partied. I flirted with guys. I had my heart broken. I excelled. I had the true, american college experience and I loved every minute of it. I graduated from undergrad in May of 2011 at the top of my class, a 3.75 GPA, magna cum laude honors, and a BA in Mass Communications. I thought I had everything I needed to find an entry level job with a company that would put me on the path to my dream career.

Well. I was wrong.

After I graduated I went straight to New York where I was lucky enough to stay with a family member and do two amazing internships. They provided a wealth of knowledge and experience and living in New York City is unlike any experience. I will never forget it. However, what those internships did not provide was an income. And in a city as expensive as New York, no income was not going to cut it. The little bit of money I did have was quickly leaving and my mother wasn’t in a financial position to send me money every time I needed it. As much as I hated it, I had to leave New York.

I moved back home to North Carolina and started living with my godmother. I then started working at a daycare. Everyday from October 2011 until this past June, I hated my job. I hated my life. I was depressed. Angry. Sad. Unfulfilled. This whole time I was at the job from hell I continued to apply to other jobs wherever I could. I would go on interviews, do interviews over the phone and ultimately, never get the job. I couldn’t figure out why. By March 2013 I was fed up with my job. I gave myself a deadline and said May 31st would be my last day. I was moving back to the city where I went to college to find work there.

When I moved back here in June, I transferred my part time job in retail to a one of the stores in the local mall. For a month, that was my only source of income as I crashed on the couch at my best friend’s apartment. I started working with a temporary staffing firm who found me my current job. It was a long term temporary position with an insurance company as a switchboard operator. It paid more than the job from hell, but not by much. But I was grateful. It wasn’t the dream job by a longshot but it was a job. All the while, I was still applying for and searching for a job that was A)permanent and B)in line with my career goals. I was getting interviews, but that was it..no job offers. I can’t even tell you how many times I have edited and redited my resume.

Today, I found out that my position with the company will more than likely end by next April. I have a strange feeling that I’ll be lucky to make it to the end of January or February.

With no job offers or potential job opportunties in sight I feel like I’m back at square one. Right where I left off almost 3 years ago when I graduated from college. Only now, I have bills that have to be paid and if I lose my job…what then? Sometimes I have to selfishly ask myself, “Why me?!” I know that in the grand scheme of things, my typical first world problems seem trivial when there are other people dealing with very serious issues out there. But when you feel you’ve always done the right thing you can’t help but question it. I’ve gone to school, made good grades, graduated at the top of your class all of the things I was told I was “supposed” to do yet I have nothing to show for it besides a framed degree that’s doing absolutely nothing for me and over $28,000 in student loans. Yet a girl who made a sex tape is a multimillionaire (yeah I’m talking about you Kim Kardashian). It doesn’t seem fair. And I guess that’s because life isn’t fair.

Friends and family tell me “this is just a part of life!” or “this is just temporary!” but it’s hard to accept that or digest it when you’re in the thick of things.

I just want to not worry for once in my life. I just want to feel secure and happy and at peace.

Worst. Nights. Sleep. Ever.

The alarm was set for 4:50am.

I had every intention of being at the gym.

But my restless mind kept me from sleeping.

I tossed & turned while my mind was up creeping.

I saw 2:00. 3:00 and 4:00 too.

4:30 struck and that was when I knew.

I wouldn’t be making it to the gym at five.

But do not worry people, hope is still alive.

I will be working out at my home tonight.

I’m taking this serious now, I won’t give up the fight.

So that is my poem and I feel much better.

Even though I had the worst nights sleep ever.

xoxo.

 

P.S. Yes. I am an idiot 🙂

December Goals

• Get serious about this weightloss again.
• Get my ass to the gym.
• Workout at home on days I don’t go to the gym.
• Strictly clean eating all month. No treats & no red meat or pork. (Except for Christmas lol).
• Believe in myself and in the process.

Last month I didn’t even waste my time making goals. I knew I wasn’t going to meet any of them. I’ve realized that I have to make realistic goals that will work for me and my journey. I think a big reason why I felt so discouraged is because I spend so much time looking at other people’s progress that I felt my journey was inferior. I have to remember that everybody is different and everyone’s journey is unique to them. Also, they had to start somewhere and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them when they started.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up and accepting the fact that this is my life and this is who I am. But I know that’s not really my destiny. This may be who I am right now, but it’s not who I am meant to be.

Anyway, I’ll be working hard to get back on track this month. It’s the last month of the 2013 and another year has gone by where I’ve wanted to lose the weight and yet didn’t really do anything about it. In August I got serious and started making it happen…by the end of October I was burnt out. I have to get out of that habit and accept that this is a lifestyle change. Once I can fully wrap my head around that, I’ll be able to really succeed at this. I don’t want to go into 2014 thinking, “This is the year I do it.” like I’ve done every year since I was probably 10 or 11. I want to go into 2014 feeling confident that I’m really going to make it happen.

Even though it has been a constant struggle, my mindset has changed so much since I started this process in August. This weightloss journey is 80% mental for me and 20% physical. The mind has a great way of telling you what you can and can not do. I’m ready for my body to prove my mind wrong. It’s hard to undo 20+ years of negative thinking and self hate. But I’m going to try my damndest.

Happy Thanksgiving! aka: Happy Eat Everything In Sight Day!!!

Ok, maybe not everything (the plates are not edible), just the good stuff. Like your mom’s homemade stuffing. Or baked macaroni and cheese. Don’t forget the ham Uncle Ted made. The glorious delicious honey baked ham with pineapples on top. Perhaps a little cranberry sauce if you like it (no one likes it Aunt Joyce!). And plenty of your grandma’s sweet potato pie. Cousin Sally said a couple deviled eggs never hurt anybody. Turkey anyone? How about a few biscuits or rolls to sop it all up with? And maybe some green bean casserole. Wash it down with a couple glasses of egg nog and you are all set!

*sigh*

This Thanksgiving I shall not be participating in this glorious feast of delectable foods. And I know what you’re thinking. “Wow, she has such willpower! Not to eat those thousandsssss of calories. Go Jas! Go Girl!” But um, sorry to disappoint you guys.

Because I’d totally be indulging in ALLADAT crap if it wasn’t for the wonderful Winter Storm Boreas causing the snow outside my office window right now. The weather is forcing me to stay home and not venture off to enjoy the Thanksgiving festivities with my boyfriend and his family. And I mean, technically we did have a pre-Thanksgiving office party last week at work, where I did treat myself to some turkey, mac & cheese, stuffing, ham & sweet potatoes. So I suppose I got my share. Perhaps more than my share but who’s keeping track, definitely not me.

Seriously though, this last month has been a downward spiral. Ever since my birthday I have completely just been like EFF THIS. Eff eating clean. Eff exercising. So what if those rolls won’t magically disappear over night. Who cares?! Not me. Not this girl.

Sike.

I care. I totallyyyyyyyy care. But even though I care about it so much I haven’t been able to stop myself from shoving snickers and kit kats and anything else that has chocolate and screams, “Hey I’m bad for you but I taste so damn good!” down my throat. Hmm, pause. Anyway…how do ya’ll do it?! How do you stay so motivated? I’m so sick of starting and stopping and starting over. It’s such a nasty vicious cycle. I’ve been doing it practically my whole life and I still haven’t mastered the JUST DO IT ALREADY mentality. So sad.

But in an attempt to not sound completely sad and pathetic right before the holidays, here is a list of all a few the things I’m thankful for this year:

• My mom, dad, brother, and godmother. I’d say my family but trutfully, these four people are my REAL family and I can count on them NO MATTER what. I love them.
• My awesome boyfriend. We just got back together in like August. We dated for two years when I was in college, had a nasty break up, and didn’t speak for like two years before we got back together. I now believe in the saying, if you love something let it go & if it comes back that’s how you know…(maybe that’s a song lyric but I believe! I believe!!) Sometimes people just have to grow up and go through things to realize what someone really means to you and I’m so glad we went through everything we did to get to this point. He’s not perfect and neither am I but we’re so perfect together. *cue violin*
• My beautiful friendsssss! Since moving back to the town where I went to college and being around all of my wonderful friends that I met there, I have been happier than I’ve been in a LONG time. These smart, beautiful, strong women are my sisters and I know I can tell them anything and depend on them for anything. Along with a few other amazing ladies I’ve met along the way, I couldn’t ask for better friends.
• Having not one, but TWO jobs. I complain about working two jobs sometime, because it can be a headache. But honestly I’m lucky to even have one considering the job market. And even though neither is the dream job (or dream paying job for that matter) they’re both beneficial to my life and I’m happy to be able to go to work everyday (even on the weekends and on black friday ugh!).
• This blog. I hope to utilize it more and get into a rhythm of posting more often. I want this blog to keep me accountable. Wordpress’ website wasn’t working on my computer at work for the last few weeks and considering my work schedule, office hours are probably going to be my best bet to get some postings in. I hope to be giving you all (my followers. I can’t believe I even have followers! Hi everyone!) more content (posts, photos, everything) and more about the roads I’m taking on this weightloss journey.
• I’m thankful for all the little things in life that I probably take for granted like having my own apartment, clothes to wear (even though I have a closet full I always feel like I don’t have enough. I know, cray), and healthier food to eat. 🙂
• I’m thankful that I was able to remove myself from a situation that caused nothing but stress and anxiety for a year and a half of my life. Even if it severed ties with someone who was close to me, it only showed that person’s true colors which makes me thankful for (see next bullet)
• Getting rid of all things toxic and negative in my life! No one has time for negativity! NO ONE!
• I’m thankful for waking up and realizing that now is the time to get serious about this lifestyle change of mine. Although I have stumbled along the way, I am serious about moving forward & not becoming discouraged and giving up this time. It’s ok to fall down, the point is to get back up and keep it moving; not to stay down.

Alright, well this was a loooongggg little post. I better get off here and get back to work! This money won’t make itself 🙂 Hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving with family, friends, and loved ones! Now eat, drink, and be merry!

xoxo.

Things I Absolutely CAN NOT Deal With

I didn’t feel like typing a traditional post because I’m currently annoyed and just felt that I should bullet all of the things that I absolutely can’t deal with. Those things are as follows:

• People who are negative ALL THE TIME.
• Clutter, mess, junk, dirtiness!
• the fact that i am so incredibly lazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
• being overweight but not being able to find the motivation to take my lazy butt to the gym because (please see above bullet).
• messing up my nails after i just took the time to paint them! grrr.
• super hot weather.
• not being able to go shopping when i want to because i’m being so fiscally responsible…boo!
• shady mcshadyington’s (shady people)
• having a boyfriend that lives an hour away.
• working two jobs YET i see no end to this any time soon.
• feeling so blah 😦

I don’t know if you can tell but….I’m in a mood. This too shall pass.

xoxo.

Sabotage?

Not everyone wants to see you succeed. It’s sad, but some people actually like to see others struggling. It makes them feel better about whatever part of their life they happen to be struggling with. At least that’s what I believe. And I also believe some of my friends don’t want me to lose weight. I honestly think they like that I’m the “fat friend”. I constantly feel that my hard work and progress is sabotaged by friends giving me candy, making me brownies, inviting me out for dinners I shouldn’t be eating. It’s like even though they say they’re proud of my accomplishments they’re subconsciously telling me to stay fat and handing it to me on a silver platter full of chocolates and bad food. It’s frustrating to feel that way. Especially about your friends, people you trust. I could be wrong. But this is just how I feel.