It has been way too long….

Since my last post. I’ve been feeling so stuck in the last month or two. I was involved in a hit and run accident on Feb. 1st that damaged my car.  It wasn’t my fault, and luckily the damage wasn’t too bad. I’m just now about to get my car fixed next week. Dealing with insurance companies and going to the hospital for my back which has been jacked up since the accident has been so annoying. I’m stuck in limbo with a job that I interviewed for earlier this month, ended up getting said job, put in my two weeks notice at my other job, just for the job I got to call a week later and tell me they have to “push my start date back.” I was supposed to be starting the job today, Feb. 24th. So far they don’t have any idea what my new start date will be. Luckily my current job is allowing me to stay until that gets straightened out..if it get straightened out.

I’m just dealing with a lot of stress and the last few weeks have been so bad. I’m putting all of that stress basically into sabotaging myself. Going out to eat with friends, not meal prepping, eating junk food and I can feel it taking it’s toll on me. I can tell I’ve gained back the weight I worked so hard to lose. Trying to lose weight is so hard. If you’ve never been fat you don’t know how hard it is. To want to be fit and active and healthy and yet constantly battling the addiction to food is so incredibly frustrating. The saddest part is that I know it’s possible. I’ve seen person after person get up and just do it! So why can’t I? Why am I so FUCKING hard headed? Why do I lack the willpower and motivation to be one of those people? I honestly don’t know what it’s going to take. But I am sick of living like this (literally sick of it as my pants dig into the fat of my stomach. UGH!).

I just feel like in my own personal life, I am alone with this battle. No one truly understands what I’m going through. My friends seem supportive, but they’re not really. I feel like I don’t have anyone around me that just gets it. Like really and truly gets it. And so doing it by myself is hard. I’m so aware of my weight and I feel like recently have become increasingly self conscious about it. I’m too self conscious to go walking around my neighborhood, wondering in the back of my mind what people think when they see me “attempting to be healthy”. I carry these same doubts with me to the gym where I’m surrounded by active fit people who I fear see me as another fat person with a new years resolution that won’t last. All of these negative thoughts that I THINK people are having about me but in all honesty probably could care less about me, are really just me holding myself back. I have said it once and I’ll say it again..this weightloss journey is literally 90% mental for me. I am my biggest critic and I’m trying so hard to be my biggest fan but it’s so hard when nothing in my life currently seems to be working out the way I envisioned…Like I said, I’m stuck.

This post is super whiny and I promise I’m not nearly as depressed as it may come across lol, but if you have any suggestions or any advice on how to get out of a rut..or if you’ve been successful in your weight loss, I would love to hear how you overcame your struggles or any suggestions on what may help me overcome mine.

xoxo.

 

Stress Is For The Birds.

Seriously, 2013 has been such an interesting year. To say 2012 was a shit hole of a year would be an understatement. So in comparison this year has been all rainbows and butterflies. From leaving the worlds worst job EVERRRR, to moving back to a city where my friends are, to getting my own apartment, to reuniting with my boyfriend and love of my life, 2013 has been nice. But there’s also been some negatives.

 

For one, I’m still having issues in the employment department…but I’ve already done a post on that. But along with that comes financial worries and everything just stresses me out. My boyfriend tells me I worry too much. Which I do, I’ve always been a worry wart. I can’t help it. I suffer from being an optimisit and seeing the beauty in every situation while also being realist (some my say pessimist, but I say realist) and gauging the reality of a situation or the very possible very real outcomes of certain things.

 

I’ve never been the type of person to just go with the flow. I wish I was, it would seriously make my life easier. But I tend to analyze and overanalyze every little thing to the point where it’s exhausting. Which is probably why I’m not working out or eating right. The two things in my life that I have the ability to control at all times and yet…I struggle to do so.

 

The shit ain’t cool people. It ain’t cool. And I literally have a headache from thinking about it.

Schedule Shmedule

One thing you’ll find out about me is I love being organized. So I’ve decided to post my meal schedule for you guys as well as my workout schedule. The plan is to eat five to six meals per day. Well technically 3 meals and 3 snacks and to workout 6 days a week, with a rest day on Sunday. So here is the schedule:

Meal Schedule:

• Breakfast: 8:00am-9:00am
• Snack 1: 10:00am-11:00am
• Lunch: 1:00-2:30pm
• Snack 2: 3:00pm-4:30pm
• Dinner: 6:00pm-7:30pm
• Snack 3 (Optional): Before 9:00pm.

Please note, I’ve done my meal schedule like this based on my full time work schedule. I work 8:00am-5:00pm Monday-Friday and I always eat my breakfast at my desk once I’m at work, usually between 8 & 9. Because I take an hour lunch between 1:00-2:30, depending on the day, usually I take my lunch from 1-2, I plan to have a snack around 10:30 or 11 (probably fruit/yogurt, veggis & hummus, granola bar…something like that) because I start feeling a tad hungry, and for weightloss reasons, I want to build my metabolism. I’ll have another small snack (same thing, fruit, veggies..) around 3:30 or 4. I’ll eat my dinner between 6 and 7:30 and I put snack 3 as optional because it will just depend on whether or not I’m hungry. If I’m not hungry, I won’t eat it. If I feel like I need a snack, I’ll have a snack.

I should also point out, this schedule is subject to change based on the fact that I also have a part time job & my schedule for that is always all over the place. For example, this Wednesday (tomorrow) I have to work at the part time job from 7:00pm-10:00pm. Which means I will probably end up eating a small dinner like a salad either before or after work (more than likely after). And because of my 2nd job, if I work on weekends, I will have to modify the schedule to fit whatever time I may be working. So just wanted to throw that out there!

Also, I want to keep track of my macros and calorie intake. I need to do some research to see how many calories I should be eating per day in order to LOSE weight. Because something tells me I may be eating enough to maintain, even if the things I’m eating are healthier.

Exercise Plan:

• Monday: body weight workouts
• Tuesday: Gym
• Wednesday: Body weight workouts
• Thursday: Gym
• Friday: body weight workouts
• Saturday: Gym
• Sunday: Rest

Mondays, Wednesday’s and Fridays I will be working out at home because my goal is to hit the gym at least 3 times a week. Being that my work schedule is crazy (please see above) it’s better for me to get up at 5:00am and go to the gym from 5:30am-6:30am so I can get back home and get ready for work and already have my workout done for the day. So on MWF I’ll be working out in the evenings when I get home from work. The workouts will basically consist of body weight exercies: crunches, jumping jacks, push ups (you get the idea) and things I can do with small weights (which reminds me, I need to buy some!) or I may just pop in my 30 Day Shred dvd and do that. At the gym I plan on getting in 30 mins of cardio and 30 minutes of strength.

On Sunday’s I will meal prep for the week and plan out what body weight exercises I will do at home that week. Ahh I’m so excited! Now that this is out here on the world wide web I have no choice but to be accountable right? Right! This will be even more exciting when I get my Erin Condren Life Planner and can organize it all in there! Ahh the little things….

December Goals

• Get serious about this weightloss again.
• Get my ass to the gym.
• Workout at home on days I don’t go to the gym.
• Strictly clean eating all month. No treats & no red meat or pork. (Except for Christmas lol).
• Believe in myself and in the process.

Last month I didn’t even waste my time making goals. I knew I wasn’t going to meet any of them. I’ve realized that I have to make realistic goals that will work for me and my journey. I think a big reason why I felt so discouraged is because I spend so much time looking at other people’s progress that I felt my journey was inferior. I have to remember that everybody is different and everyone’s journey is unique to them. Also, they had to start somewhere and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for them when they started.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up and accepting the fact that this is my life and this is who I am. But I know that’s not really my destiny. This may be who I am right now, but it’s not who I am meant to be.

Anyway, I’ll be working hard to get back on track this month. It’s the last month of the 2013 and another year has gone by where I’ve wanted to lose the weight and yet didn’t really do anything about it. In August I got serious and started making it happen…by the end of October I was burnt out. I have to get out of that habit and accept that this is a lifestyle change. Once I can fully wrap my head around that, I’ll be able to really succeed at this. I don’t want to go into 2014 thinking, “This is the year I do it.” like I’ve done every year since I was probably 10 or 11. I want to go into 2014 feeling confident that I’m really going to make it happen.

Even though it has been a constant struggle, my mindset has changed so much since I started this process in August. This weightloss journey is 80% mental for me and 20% physical. The mind has a great way of telling you what you can and can not do. I’m ready for my body to prove my mind wrong. It’s hard to undo 20+ years of negative thinking and self hate. But I’m going to try my damndest.

Happy Thanksgiving! aka: Happy Eat Everything In Sight Day!!!

Ok, maybe not everything (the plates are not edible), just the good stuff. Like your mom’s homemade stuffing. Or baked macaroni and cheese. Don’t forget the ham Uncle Ted made. The glorious delicious honey baked ham with pineapples on top. Perhaps a little cranberry sauce if you like it (no one likes it Aunt Joyce!). And plenty of your grandma’s sweet potato pie. Cousin Sally said a couple deviled eggs never hurt anybody. Turkey anyone? How about a few biscuits or rolls to sop it all up with? And maybe some green bean casserole. Wash it down with a couple glasses of egg nog and you are all set!

*sigh*

This Thanksgiving I shall not be participating in this glorious feast of delectable foods. And I know what you’re thinking. “Wow, she has such willpower! Not to eat those thousandsssss of calories. Go Jas! Go Girl!” But um, sorry to disappoint you guys.

Because I’d totally be indulging in ALLADAT crap if it wasn’t for the wonderful Winter Storm Boreas causing the snow outside my office window right now. The weather is forcing me to stay home and not venture off to enjoy the Thanksgiving festivities with my boyfriend and his family. And I mean, technically we did have a pre-Thanksgiving office party last week at work, where I did treat myself to some turkey, mac & cheese, stuffing, ham & sweet potatoes. So I suppose I got my share. Perhaps more than my share but who’s keeping track, definitely not me.

Seriously though, this last month has been a downward spiral. Ever since my birthday I have completely just been like EFF THIS. Eff eating clean. Eff exercising. So what if those rolls won’t magically disappear over night. Who cares?! Not me. Not this girl.

Sike.

I care. I totallyyyyyyyy care. But even though I care about it so much I haven’t been able to stop myself from shoving snickers and kit kats and anything else that has chocolate and screams, “Hey I’m bad for you but I taste so damn good!” down my throat. Hmm, pause. Anyway…how do ya’ll do it?! How do you stay so motivated? I’m so sick of starting and stopping and starting over. It’s such a nasty vicious cycle. I’ve been doing it practically my whole life and I still haven’t mastered the JUST DO IT ALREADY mentality. So sad.

But in an attempt to not sound completely sad and pathetic right before the holidays, here is a list of all a few the things I’m thankful for this year:

• My mom, dad, brother, and godmother. I’d say my family but trutfully, these four people are my REAL family and I can count on them NO MATTER what. I love them.
• My awesome boyfriend. We just got back together in like August. We dated for two years when I was in college, had a nasty break up, and didn’t speak for like two years before we got back together. I now believe in the saying, if you love something let it go & if it comes back that’s how you know…(maybe that’s a song lyric but I believe! I believe!!) Sometimes people just have to grow up and go through things to realize what someone really means to you and I’m so glad we went through everything we did to get to this point. He’s not perfect and neither am I but we’re so perfect together. *cue violin*
• My beautiful friendsssss! Since moving back to the town where I went to college and being around all of my wonderful friends that I met there, I have been happier than I’ve been in a LONG time. These smart, beautiful, strong women are my sisters and I know I can tell them anything and depend on them for anything. Along with a few other amazing ladies I’ve met along the way, I couldn’t ask for better friends.
• Having not one, but TWO jobs. I complain about working two jobs sometime, because it can be a headache. But honestly I’m lucky to even have one considering the job market. And even though neither is the dream job (or dream paying job for that matter) they’re both beneficial to my life and I’m happy to be able to go to work everyday (even on the weekends and on black friday ugh!).
• This blog. I hope to utilize it more and get into a rhythm of posting more often. I want this blog to keep me accountable. Wordpress’ website wasn’t working on my computer at work for the last few weeks and considering my work schedule, office hours are probably going to be my best bet to get some postings in. I hope to be giving you all (my followers. I can’t believe I even have followers! Hi everyone!) more content (posts, photos, everything) and more about the roads I’m taking on this weightloss journey.
• I’m thankful for all the little things in life that I probably take for granted like having my own apartment, clothes to wear (even though I have a closet full I always feel like I don’t have enough. I know, cray), and healthier food to eat. 🙂
• I’m thankful that I was able to remove myself from a situation that caused nothing but stress and anxiety for a year and a half of my life. Even if it severed ties with someone who was close to me, it only showed that person’s true colors which makes me thankful for (see next bullet)
• Getting rid of all things toxic and negative in my life! No one has time for negativity! NO ONE!
• I’m thankful for waking up and realizing that now is the time to get serious about this lifestyle change of mine. Although I have stumbled along the way, I am serious about moving forward & not becoming discouraged and giving up this time. It’s ok to fall down, the point is to get back up and keep it moving; not to stay down.

Alright, well this was a loooongggg little post. I better get off here and get back to work! This money won’t make itself 🙂 Hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving with family, friends, and loved ones! Now eat, drink, and be merry!

xoxo.

Sabotage?

Not everyone wants to see you succeed. It’s sad, but some people actually like to see others struggling. It makes them feel better about whatever part of their life they happen to be struggling with. At least that’s what I believe. And I also believe some of my friends don’t want me to lose weight. I honestly think they like that I’m the “fat friend”. I constantly feel that my hard work and progress is sabotaged by friends giving me candy, making me brownies, inviting me out for dinners I shouldn’t be eating. It’s like even though they say they’re proud of my accomplishments they’re subconsciously telling me to stay fat and handing it to me on a silver platter full of chocolates and bad food. It’s frustrating to feel that way. Especially about your friends, people you trust. I could be wrong. But this is just how I feel.

Feeling Defeated Much?

So yeah the past couple of weeks have been…well. I’ve just completely fallen off my workout wagon/clean eating wagon. That picture explains it all. Between my birthday, monthly lady issues, the past two weeks have been non stop snacking. Which has always been my biggest issue. The meals I’ve ate have actually been pretty well balanced, clean for the most part (except for the delicious burger I had for my birthday that was beef and had BACON and it was soooooo good. I mean it was my birthday hello!)

But the snacking….chocolate, cake, cookies, ice cream, everything I’ve given up and literally haven’t really consumed much in forever have all come crashing into my mouth as of late. And I’m regretting it. Not only do I feel icky but I’m literally seeing the consequences written all over my face in the form of an acne breakout. I’ve never had a problem with acne, an occasional pimple here or there. But recently they’ve been popping up like crazy. I’ve gone through a whole tube of zit zapper (E.L.F. cosmetics which is amazing because it really works, but a whole tube?!) in about two weeks. Which is insane. I’ve got to get a grip.

I honestly don’t know what my deal is. I just haven’t been feeling it lately. I honestly don’t know how some people stay so motivated. I know I need to do this and I know I want to do this. But…I’m not sure why it’s not enough for me to actually GET UP and do it…ugh. This feeling of defeat has to be temporary. I don’t want to be defeated and I don’t want to be a quitter anymore. I want to win.

 

Doubt.

Confession: Doubt. That’s all that seems to fill my mind lately. Doubting that I can do this. Doubting my abilities. Doubting myself.

When I started my weightloss journey on August 11, 2013 I was convinced I was ready. Convinced that this time, would be the last time I started on this journey because I was finally serious about losing the weight. I created a totally new Instagram page, dedicated only to my weightloss journey. Which was a huge step for me, putting myself out there like that. Although, there’s more to it then that, but I’ll save that for another time. Anyway, I created the account because I wanted to be focused. Only following others who had embarked on a similar journey for inspiration. I found these women and men to be so inspiring. Some people weighed less than me when they started out, others weighed much more than I ever had, and yet they all did it. Were doing it. Accomplishing a goal I had only dreamt about. I knew I could do it too.

I went hard for the first month. My eating habits had changed drastically. No red meat, no pork, more veggies, more fruit, no processed foods, & no junk. Straight clean eating. I stopped paying attention to the scale, mainly because my roommate’s scale was cheap so it spit out random numbers and I couldn’t trust it. Besides, I wasn’t focused on a goal number or weight. I was focused on a look, on a feeling of self appreciation, on my health.

Month 2 went just as well. I’m not sure how much weight I’d lost, but I could tell I had lost because all of my jeans were falling off me. I was proud of myself. I felt like I was doing it. Finally, after so many years of wanting to change, I was changing.

But by the end of month two something happened. I started slowing down. I started exercising less. I couldn’t find the motivation. I felt fat. I felt like everyone I saw on instagram was doing amazing and I just….wasn’t.

That was when I realized I had to stop comparing my journey to everyone else’s. What worked for other people, wasn’t necessarily going to work for me. Everyone’s journey was different. I had to find out what was going to work for me. I had to look at those people as motivation to keep going, but not as the blueprint for my own success.

I’m going to join a gym. I like working out in the gym. But that good friend of mine, doubt, is making me wonder…if you couldn’t find the motivation to walk out of your door and go walking, or exercise in your living room, how are you going to find it to drive to the gym and get out and work? I don’t know the answer that yet. But I think that’s the whole point of a weightloss journey. Trial and error. Find what works for you and give it your all. 

xoxo